When I finally told his dad, he was pissed that I had excluded him but said what's done is done. I felt completely justified in excluding him by telling myself that if he doesn't take an active participation in the day to day raising of the boys, then he doesn't get to dictate to me their punishment.
After the grounding, Dallas and his friend were allowed by me and the other mother to hang out together again. Sadly before long, the friend had an intrical part in brewing a feud amongst Dallas and another friend. One thing led to another and there was a rumble scheduled at the mall parking lot - ala the greasers and the soches rumble in the park in The Outsiders. That excalated into a 30 year old wanting to kick Dallas' ass - WAY out of hand and Dallas called his dad scared. We were able to sit both families down - Dallas and the kid he fought - and work things out and come to an understanding, which unfortunately brought to light that Dallas' one friend was very much to blame for what led to the fight but then left Dallas holding the bag to be the one to actually be in the fight. At that time, Dallas' dad was adament about the fact that Dallas should not see this kid anymore the rest of the summer.
I tended to agree that they needed a break too. That break only lasted a few days. My
So, Dallas and this friend have pretty much been inseperable for a week or so, all still unbeknowst to his dad. Then I got busted. Twice in that week or so that ran into his dad's best friend and this guy passed along the information to Dallas' dad. Usually the disturbing and "gotcha sucker"information flows the other way since Dallas' dad's best friend is married to one of my best friends. Being the one busted was new territory for me. I tried to blow it off that it wasn't big deal and I was handling things by them being at our house rather than them being at the friend's house where I can't keep an eye on them. Dallas' dad thought that only proved more why they shouldn't be around each other.
Last night Brendon & Dallas were staying at their dad's and their dad and I happen to both be at our class reunion. The boys called their dad and asked if they could go to a movie with the said friend. He told them, "NO F'N WAY!" and then said to me that they must be out of their minds asking him that. He has basically dug his heels in and he is bound and determined to keep them away from each other.
Fast forward to early this evening, Dallas' dad stops by our house in not a good state of mind following a break up with his girlfriend. He had some clothes in his car and was looking for a place to stay - he just wanted to talk to the boys quick. I said they were at his parent's (the boys' grandparent's) with his brother and their cousin. I didn't see the need to mention that the said friend was also with them. Regardles, he left in bad state of mind.
Maybe an hour later I get a call from him, he was now at the grandparent's house as well and starts screaming to me about, "what the fuck, didn't you think I would stop over here? I thought we agreed he was not supposed to be with _ _ _ _ period! Knowing he'd likely been drinking and he was pissed off at his girlfriend, I wasn't going to get into it with him so I said, "I'm not even going to discuss this with you". He said something to the effect of "I'm getting 'em out of here, they will be at your house!" and hung up on me.
At first I did nothing then it hit me that in his state of mind he does not need to be driving any where with our kids in the car. I called over there and told his dad to tell him that if he takes the boys I am going to call the cops. A drastic move but again, considering he likely had been drinking and his state of mind after breaking up with his girlfriend, I couldn't let him take off with them in the car. The fact that he doesn't have a driver's license and doesn't need to get into anymore trouble himself, it stopped him in his tracks.
I started to fume at his arrogance that he can dictate to me what I can or cannot allow Dallas to do. His fixation about keeping Dallas from this kid was so over the top. I get why...to quote the Dukes of Hazzard theme song, he has "been in trouble with the law since the day he was born"...and he wants to keep Dallas from going down that path.
Let's just delve into that a little bit. The boys' dad spent a lot of his youth in trouble with the law. He, his brother, and a whole group of their friends were commonly known amongst local law enforcement as "the brat pack". Theft was the name of their game and he has (3) felony theft convictions on his record. One of the those convictions wasn't even one of his "jobs" but since this group of friends were so tight, rather than nark on his friend to get himself out of trouble, he took the blame. Sentenced to 10 years in prison, suspended to 10 years of probation, which he served 5 of before getting off early for good behavior. All of this happen before we got together and before we had our kids - well, his probation was lefted when our oldest was a baby.
So, after this proclamation this evening forcing my hand, I thought to myself. Damn him! Did anyone ban him from this group of friends after all the trouble they got into? NO! In fact, the friend he took the blame for on the one theft charge is his best friend to this day! It's not fair to impose this on Dallas when no one forced it on him!
All that criminal activity happened like 18-20 years ago and he is finding out how much it still very much follows him even now. Him and his friend are both having trouble finding good jobs because of their criminal records. They have families now, are going to school, getting degrees and no one will give them a chance. It sucks because they are trying to rebuild their lives and are hitting a brick wall. I'm sure that is hard to handle, embarrassing even. So, you see...that is EXACTLY why he has taken this stance with Dallas and his friend getting into trouble. He is learning the hard way how living a fast and loose, exciting, thrill-seeking life of testing the limits and seeing what you can get away with can ruin your future and he doesn't want that to happen to Dallas. I get that, and it's certainly not what I want either, but he is punishing Dallas for the crimes he has committed rather than ones Dallas may never commit himself.
I jumped in the car and drove over there. He was still there, talking to his dad and brother in the parking lot. I walked right passed him, staight to Dallas and said friend and I told them we'll work this out, that his dad it going overkill and we're going to talk to him, make him see that you guys made a mistake with the egg thing and you are sorry, you just want the same shot at remaining friends and his dad and his friends got. I told said friend that he needed to realize what this is costing Dallas for Dallas to still want to be his friend. That I think he is a good kid but the only way this appealing to Dallas' dad is going to work is if they both truly are sorry and are going to do better from now on.
From there we went to the parking lot to talk to his dad. I said all this stuff to him...that I get why he is trying to protect him but is going about it wrong, that no one kept him from his best friend with all the trouble that they got into and that's all these boys want is a chance to prove they are sorry and that they've learned from it and to still be friends. He got it - he agreed. He apoligzed to the friend for being so hard on him (apparently he had cornered him before I got there and laid into him about being a troublemaker). We both told the boys that ok we are putting our trust in them to do the right thing. Fun is fun but you can't continue to cross that line. I said to think of diappointing us in the same light they consider their friendship and not to let us down. I made sure to let Dallas know that I didn't like cutting his dad out of being able to parent him and to not let me regret going to bat for him.
We stuck around for another couple hours the younger boys and the fathers playing football, wrestling, having races around the building and when we got ready to leave baby daddy apologized to me as well. That's was amazing! All any parent can hope is that they've handled a situation correctly, in their child's best interest, and that it all turns out the best way possible. That will remain to be seen over time. Obviously I don't think Dallas will always be an angel now, I can only hope things will turn out the best possible way.
