Trusting Your Kids to Do the Right Thing

I brought my son's cell phone to work with me to charge it for him since we are down to one charger and I had left it at work. When I plugged it in and turned it on, I figured it was a prime time to sneak a peak at his text messages. ***I am the mom, I pay the bill, I have the right to do that. How else will I learn if he also calls me a "lazy, fat ass" like my other son did causing me to confiscate his phone for oh...infinity.*** Anyway, one of the texts was from this kid who is having an "Xbox party" tonight and inviting some people over. The string went like this...

SON: I can go on friday

FRIEND: Nice

SON: Ya u want me to bring my xbox

FRIEND: Ya

SON: K

FRIEND: Im buyin 50 bucks of weed

EEE...RRR...HHH...TTTTT (that was supposed to be screeching brakes but it's hard to translate sound effects)

My son had not replied to this message but I immediately called him at home to ask him about it. He said he didn’t know anything about it and had not gotten that message. At first I thought he was covering but then I remembered it was listed as a new message and I had opened it for the first time. It said it was sent on Wednesday but had been stored this morning so I asked him when his phone went dead and he said the day before yesterday – which would have been Wednesday.

I told him I didn’t know now if he was going to be allowed to go over there tonight. That I couldn’t really knowingly send him where there might be drugs. I asked if it was a joke – he didn’t know. I told him to cut the “I don’t know” crap and be straight with me. I asked him if he knew of other times this friend had done that – he said no. And really he doesn’t hang around this friend too much - been to his new house maybe twice. I asked him if this friend does have the stuff, would he do it – he said no. I told him I would have to think about it and probably talk to his dad about it too. (abridged version...we are co-parents from separate households)

I debated about actually talking to his dad though. His parenting style is more "nip it in the bud" than mine. Not saying that's good or bad...not saying my style is good or bad. Just didn't want there to be a rush to judgment if I brought him into the equation too early and then I have to decide whether to honor his wishes or not. I did send him an e-mail though telling him what I knew and asking, "do we trust him?" I also had told my son that I don't want to be "that mom" and call this friend's parents but, I said, “you guys are 15 years old. This is not acceptable.”

I had a gut instinct about how I would proceed but in situations like this you always second guess yourself. I mean, I hated to punish him for something he might not have even done. I really don’t see him doing it because I can see him thinking it’s disgusting…like smoking…but on the other hand…perhaps my parents thought that about me…I mean, I have dabbled a time or two. (confession is good for the soul, right?!)

Surprisingly, his dad came back with..."Well it could have been a joke, tell him we trust him to do the right thing but to keep in my mind we are not stupid so if we are suspicious we will get a urine sample from him and have it tested. I would hate to have it come to that but he is going to be around it and he is going to have to make decisions for himself."

This was how I felt as well. Give him a change to warrant our trust and face the consequences if makes the wrong choice. After we discussed a couple other things and decided that the boys would not be coming to his house this weekend after all since his girlfriend just had an emergency appendectomy last night, he made the comment to smell our son's clothes when he comes home. I said, "Don’t worry – I’ll put the fear of God into him. His clothes may smell of it if he is around it but that doesn’t mean he did it, right? Isn’t that what you meant by “he is going to be around it and he is going to have to make decisions for himself?” What decision would that be? He sticks around but “just says NO” or he leaves completely?"

His response was, "Yes that is what I meant but I am just curious to see if he is actually around it. Make sure that he feels comfortable saying NO and he can call for a ride home anytime it may make him look un-cool but beats the alternative."

So, that's how we are going to play this...let our son clearly know our expectations and the consequences...but give him the freedom to be a situation and do the right thing.

What would you do?