I tell you nothing will strike fear in the heart of a girl still in her "prime", if you will, faster than the doctor saying during an exam that they think your IUD has become dislodged!!!
Uhhhh, say whaaatt??!!!
...and that they need to do an ultrasound to make sure it's still in place.
Wholly EPT Batman, that was a close one!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Not One of Those Days
A few weeks ago it occurred to me that the 6 month anniversary of my mom's death was fast approaching. That revelation shook me. I thought there is no way it's been that long. I re-did the math and simply couldn't believe that Feb. 13th was going to be 6 months. But then the day came and went and I never gave it a second thought. How could that be? When I realized I hadn't even thought of it that day, I was really upset with myself for not acknowledging it. But realistically, what was I supposed to do? Lock myself in my room, listen to her favorite songs and bawl my eyes out? Life goes on, right? Life goes on and that's what happens is some days you are so very aware of her being gone and you miss her so much it breaks your heart all over again and then some days it doesn't...some days it doesn't enter your mind...you still miss her...but more and more days pass and you aren't consumed with grief.
Today was not one of those days. Ken & I had a meeting with our divorce attorney and it's out on Mt. Vernon Rd. We drove passsed Mercy Hospital to get there and on the way out, it didn't really affect me too much. But on the drive back, like every time I drive by Mercy, I looked up at that 9th floor window and the tears came. I thought I could hold it in, dry my tears, let it go with each block we got further away but I couldn't. Looking up at that window takes me right back into that room watching her slip away...waiting for her to die...but also how peaceful she looked once she was gone. I tried so hard not to cry, not to break down, that I literally could not catch my breath - gasping more than once for air.
It was just one of those moments...one of those days that I'm very aware of her being gone. And the thing is those moments...those days are not always going to come on the anniversary of her death, on Mother's Day, on her birthday, or at the holidays. Some days will always be easier than others but today was not one of those days.
Today was not one of those days. Ken & I had a meeting with our divorce attorney and it's out on Mt. Vernon Rd. We drove passsed Mercy Hospital to get there and on the way out, it didn't really affect me too much. But on the drive back, like every time I drive by Mercy, I looked up at that 9th floor window and the tears came. I thought I could hold it in, dry my tears, let it go with each block we got further away but I couldn't. Looking up at that window takes me right back into that room watching her slip away...waiting for her to die...but also how peaceful she looked once she was gone. I tried so hard not to cry, not to break down, that I literally could not catch my breath - gasping more than once for air.
It was just one of those moments...one of those days that I'm very aware of her being gone. And the thing is those moments...those days are not always going to come on the anniversary of her death, on Mother's Day, on her birthday, or at the holidays. Some days will always be easier than others but today was not one of those days.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It is too late to put my kids up for adoption?
I'm starting to understand the Nebraska Safe Haven law that allows for kids up to age 17 to be dropped off with no retribution. Surely it was allowing for a conversation such as this that could cause a parent to bring harm to their child.
B: "I have a 1/2 day suspension on Monday."
Me: "Why?"
B: "Demerits."
Me: "Umm, the other day when you dad was mad about your getting 4 demerits in 2 days you acted like it was no big deal. Tardy a couple times to a class far away from your locker. How many demerits do you have?"
B: "11."
Me: "Umm, for what?"
B: "Being tardy and stuff."
Me: "What stuff?"
B: "Not having a pencil."
Me: "Why don't you have a pencil?"
B: "I lost it."
Me: "Why didn't you ask me for another one?"
B: (silence)
Me: "Umm, hello? That was a question - it needs a response."
Me: (not waiting for response) "Or take some loose change and buy one at the school store?"
B: "I don't have any loose change and I'd just loose it."
Me: "You are plain out saying you are too irresponsible to keep track of a pencil all day so why bother trying to have one with you?"
B: "I forget it."
Me: "Why do you forget it?"
B: "I use it and set it down and forget about it."
Me: "You mean the one main school supply you use in every class you can't remember to keep with you throughout the day?"
B: "I don't use it in every class."
Me: "So, if you have a pencil with you but happen to not need it for your next class, you just ditch it...leave it behind?"
B: (silence)
Me: ...bang my head against the car door...
Then I changed the subject...
Me: "I didn't realize, or had forgotten, that Kenyon played at Iowa when Chris Street played there." (Kenyon Murray, former Iowa great, was Brendon's basketball coach this year.)
B: (in the most snotty, you are the stupidest person to inhabit the earth, what are you even talking about voice) "WHO'S THAT?!"
I couldn't even look at him after that, let alone talk to him...good thing we just arrived at day care to pick up the good son. I never did answer his question, instead, for his hour of homework time tonight he has to research and write me one page on who Chris Street is. Yeah - he'll be Googling him.
So, hopefully I'll be back in time for Necole's party tomorrow after first driving to Omaha to show Brendon where he'll be staying now.
B: "I have a 1/2 day suspension on Monday."
Me: "Why?"
B: "Demerits."
Me: "Umm, the other day when you dad was mad about your getting 4 demerits in 2 days you acted like it was no big deal. Tardy a couple times to a class far away from your locker. How many demerits do you have?"
B: "11."
Me: "Umm, for what?"
B: "Being tardy and stuff."
Me: "What stuff?"
B: "Not having a pencil."
Me: "Why don't you have a pencil?"
B: "I lost it."
Me: "Why didn't you ask me for another one?"
B: (silence)
Me: "Umm, hello? That was a question - it needs a response."
Me: (not waiting for response) "Or take some loose change and buy one at the school store?"
B: "I don't have any loose change and I'd just loose it."
Me: "You are plain out saying you are too irresponsible to keep track of a pencil all day so why bother trying to have one with you?"
B: "I forget it."
Me: "Why do you forget it?"
B: "I use it and set it down and forget about it."
Me: "You mean the one main school supply you use in every class you can't remember to keep with you throughout the day?"
B: "I don't use it in every class."
Me: "So, if you have a pencil with you but happen to not need it for your next class, you just ditch it...leave it behind?"
B: (silence)
Me: ...bang my head against the car door...
Then I changed the subject...
Me: "I didn't realize, or had forgotten, that Kenyon played at Iowa when Chris Street played there." (Kenyon Murray, former Iowa great, was Brendon's basketball coach this year.)
B: (in the most snotty, you are the stupidest person to inhabit the earth, what are you even talking about voice) "WHO'S THAT?!"
I couldn't even look at him after that, let alone talk to him...good thing we just arrived at day care to pick up the good son. I never did answer his question, instead, for his hour of homework time tonight he has to research and write me one page on who Chris Street is. Yeah - he'll be Googling him.
So, hopefully I'll be back in time for Necole's party tomorrow after first driving to Omaha to show Brendon where he'll be staying now.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
When How You Feel on the Inside is Not What You Look Like on the Outside
Ever go around with a certain air about you, a certain amount of confidence, way you carry yourself that comes from how you feel on the inside only to be dropped kicked with the reality of how you actually look to the outside world?
I've thought about it quite a bit. Someone once said to me (and I think it was about me) that confidence and how one carries themselves (despite weight) was sexy. In fact, another person said something very similar to me about a year ago. They were telling me that they've had a crush on me for years and even as my body has changed over the years it didn't change the way they thought of me and that it was my "bubbly personality" (har har) that is what attracts them to me.
It got me thinking that a lot of the time I do walk through my life...whether it's getting a soda at work...or singing along with the band out with friends...like I am still a young, attractive, happy person who people notice. Something like this...
Va...Va...Va...Voom, right? 
I know this is the part where I'm supposed to know that Fiona is still beautiful and the moral of the Shrek story is there is someone for everyone and that love is all that matters but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like a fairy tale ending when you are alone. I have great kids, a great job and THE BEST friends in the world but I want more. I want that person to laugh with, to be a couple with, to come home to, to wake up with, to share my life with.
I hate the image I see in the mirror. I don't know that it's always confidence I carry with me. Sometimes it's cloak and dagger. Pulling off the ultimate smoke screen - hiding what's really the equivilent of a scared, nervous teenager half the time. I know that it's up to me to change the image but it's easier said than done. It's hard to get it back. The body, the feeling, the confidence. Maybe someday I'll find a happy medium...
I've thought about it quite a bit. Someone once said to me (and I think it was about me) that confidence and how one carries themselves (despite weight) was sexy. In fact, another person said something very similar to me about a year ago. They were telling me that they've had a crush on me for years and even as my body has changed over the years it didn't change the way they thought of me and that it was my "bubbly personality" (har har) that is what attracts them to me.
It got me thinking that a lot of the time I do walk through my life...whether it's getting a soda at work...or singing along with the band out with friends...like I am still a young, attractive, happy person who people notice. Something like this...
Va...Va...Va...Voom, right? Well, maybe it's a little extreme but you get the idea.
But then I'll walk in front of a mirror or the guy I'm crushing on doesn't know I exist and I get kick boxed in the gut with the reality that no matter how I feel on the inside, I am no Jessica Rabbit, and I actually look more like this...
I know this is the part where I'm supposed to know that Fiona is still beautiful and the moral of the Shrek story is there is someone for everyone and that love is all that matters but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like a fairy tale ending when you are alone. I have great kids, a great job and THE BEST friends in the world but I want more. I want that person to laugh with, to be a couple with, to come home to, to wake up with, to share my life with.
I hate the image I see in the mirror. I don't know that it's always confidence I carry with me. Sometimes it's cloak and dagger. Pulling off the ultimate smoke screen - hiding what's really the equivilent of a scared, nervous teenager half the time. I know that it's up to me to change the image but it's easier said than done. It's hard to get it back. The body, the feeling, the confidence. Maybe someday I'll find a happy medium...
Monday, February 02, 2009
It's Brownhog Day...
Jace is showing me and Dallas all the things he made a pre-school and day care today that are themed around Groundhog's Day but he can't say it right so he keeps calling it a brownhog. And actually he is right..the groundhog is brown...so he is just combining his adjectives and nouns together. Saves time really.
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