A few weeks ago it occurred to me that the 6 month anniversary of my mom's death was fast approaching. That revelation shook me. I thought there is no way it's been that long. I re-did the math and simply couldn't believe that Feb. 13th was going to be 6 months. But then the day came and went and I never gave it a second thought. How could that be? When I realized I hadn't even thought of it that day, I was really upset with myself for not acknowledging it. But realistically, what was I supposed to do? Lock myself in my room, listen to her favorite songs and bawl my eyes out? Life goes on, right? Life goes on and that's what happens is some days you are so very aware of her being gone and you miss her so much it breaks your heart all over again and then some days it doesn't...some days it doesn't enter your mind...you still miss her...but more and more days pass and you aren't consumed with grief.
Today was not one of those days. Ken & I had a meeting with our divorce attorney and it's out on Mt. Vernon Rd. We drove passsed Mercy Hospital to get there and on the way out, it didn't really affect me too much. But on the drive back, like every time I drive by Mercy, I looked up at that 9th floor window and the tears came. I thought I could hold it in, dry my tears, let it go with each block we got further away but I couldn't. Looking up at that window takes me right back into that room watching her slip away...waiting for her to die...but also how peaceful she looked once she was gone. I tried so hard not to cry, not to break down, that I literally could not catch my breath - gasping more than once for air.
It was just one of those moments...one of those days that I'm very aware of her being gone. And the thing is those moments...those days are not always going to come on the anniversary of her death, on Mother's Day, on her birthday, or at the holidays. Some days will always be easier than others but today was not one of those days.
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