Sunday, November 09, 2008
Don't Move a Muscle
Have you ever been lying in bed with a 4 year old, it's barely daybreak, you feel them starting to stir, you desperately want them to stay sleeping longer cuz you yourself didn't go to bed 'til 1:30 am (or later), but you also desperately want to change positions before the pain in your knee, or your hip, or your back becomes too excruciating. Perhaps it's not a limb loosing circulation... perhaps your pajama buttoms are so far up you butt - a wedgie of mass purportions. And you don't dare change your breathing pattern either. The slightest sign that you are not actually in a deep hibernation is all the go ahead they need to decide you are awake. You're like prey camoflaging yourself from the predator. And even when a little finger starts tracing your face ever so lightly, you lay completely still - for one hint of movement on your part means you are done for. You might as well have one foot on the floor getting ready to build a lego tower or turn on the Ninja Turtle movie or play Hotwheels (feel free to apply some girl metaphors if applicable...I myself would not know any having all boys). It's a battle of wills. Can you keep the fake out up long enough that they might give up and lay back down with you and for at least another 15 minutes. Then you hear..."MOM, it's morning day!!" Now your toast! Stick a fork in ya - you're done. There is NO convincing a 4 year that you can stay sleeping after it starts to get light out.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Have you had this age old debate?
Last night while out with co-workers for drinks, a guy was talking about being with a red hed...in his words, "a real red head". I stopped him right there and said, "that is so not true - that whole does the carpet match the drapes thing". This is how it progressed from there...
Guy: "How do you know?"
Me: "Umm, cuz I'm a girl...who's carpet doesn't match the drapes."
Guy: "Do you color your hair?"
Me: "Yes"
Guy: "How long have you colored your hair?"
Me: "Y E A R S !"
Guy: "Then how do you even know what your natural color is anymore?"
Me: "Well, I remember than it's definitely lighter than the carpet."
Guy: "Here take my phone (camera phone) into the bathroom and prove it!"
PAUSE FOR LAUGH TRACK...
I was trying to think of a discreet way of explaining the lack of carpeting when a 2nd guy says...
Guy #2: "What if they don't have carpet? What if they have lanolieum?"
Me: "Thank you! I was trying to think of how to word that?"
Guy #1: "Nope! Don't like lanolieum! I like the carpet."
Me: "Ok, so as far as carpets go, do you like a shag or a nice berber?"
I don't think he ever answered that question. He moved on to this explanation...
Guy #1: "Here's the thing...the carpet is like a forest. When you wander into a forest, it's mysterious, it's a scary, it's full of surprises..."
the rest of us: "yeah like wild animals and strange noises"
Guy #1 continues: "...it's exciting, you walking along and suddenly you find..."
the rest of us: "a warm cave to hide in!"
Guy #1: "EXACTLY!"
PAUSE FOR LAUGH TRACK...
The whole conversation was very funny and very insightful. The things you can find out about your coworkers when alcohol is involved (and surprisingly how little)! We are trying to do these after work get togethers every couple weeks. I'm thinking there will be plenty of blogging fodder to choose from. hahahaha
Last night while out with co-workers for drinks, a guy was talking about being with a red hed...in his words, "a real red head". I stopped him right there and said, "that is so not true - that whole does the carpet match the drapes thing". This is how it progressed from there...
Guy: "How do you know?"
Me: "Umm, cuz I'm a girl...who's carpet doesn't match the drapes."
Guy: "Do you color your hair?"
Me: "Yes"
Guy: "How long have you colored your hair?"
Me: "Y E A R S !"
Guy: "Then how do you even know what your natural color is anymore?"
Me: "Well, I remember than it's definitely lighter than the carpet."
Guy: "Here take my phone (camera phone) into the bathroom and prove it!"
PAUSE FOR LAUGH TRACK...
I was trying to think of a discreet way of explaining the lack of carpeting when a 2nd guy says...
Guy #2: "What if they don't have carpet? What if they have lanolieum?"
Me: "Thank you! I was trying to think of how to word that?"
Guy #1: "Nope! Don't like lanolieum! I like the carpet."
Me: "Ok, so as far as carpets go, do you like a shag or a nice berber?"
I don't think he ever answered that question. He moved on to this explanation...
Guy #1: "Here's the thing...the carpet is like a forest. When you wander into a forest, it's mysterious, it's a scary, it's full of surprises..."
the rest of us: "yeah like wild animals and strange noises"
Guy #1 continues: "...it's exciting, you walking along and suddenly you find..."
the rest of us: "a warm cave to hide in!"
Guy #1: "EXACTLY!"
PAUSE FOR LAUGH TRACK...
The whole conversation was very funny and very insightful. The things you can find out about your coworkers when alcohol is involved (and surprisingly how little)! We are trying to do these after work get togethers every couple weeks. I'm thinking there will be plenty of blogging fodder to choose from. hahahaha
Friday, November 07, 2008
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-blah-blah-blah
What is with the Christmas music already on the radio? I'm not talking about an occassional yule tide carol to get us thinking "tis the season". There is a local radio station who, in the past, has started playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving and plays it straight through 'til New Year's. That was a stretch at best but in the last couple years they have started their tradition even earlier. This year they started it yesterday...the 6th of November!
Now I'm no Scrooge...Bah Hum Bug is not typically in my holiday vocabulary...but how many Christmas songs can there be to play for that length of time? How many versions of "Chet's Nuts Roasting on a Open Fire" are there out there?
Now I'm no Scrooge...Bah Hum Bug is not typically in my holiday vocabulary...but how many Christmas songs can there be to play for that length of time? How many versions of "Chet's Nuts Roasting on a Open Fire" are there out there?
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Selling My Body to Science
Do they give cash advances on promising to will your body to science? You know like you get an advance on making an album or writing a book in anticipation of a much bigger pay off later?! I don't know who would consider my body a big pay off today let alone when the time comes that I am no longer using it and science could take over but I have run out of ideas to come up with quick cash. Well, other than selling my body for other reasons...but that is NOT an option.
The walls are closing in quick. I have been playing more than just two ends against the middle for so long and now this week that just got worse. After borrowing money I can't even afford to pay back, my car semi-broke down on Monday. All it was was the battery connectors but it cost me $90 to get them replaced. Let me break that bill down a little for ya...
Shop parts $ 4.80
Labor $79.96
Tax $ 5.08
Me being hauled off to the poor house....priceless...NOT!
I just don't know what I am going to do. That $90 was the grocery and gas money for the week. For the week! I don't get paid for almost two more weeks. Before I could get to the bank (because of the car breaking down) with the money I borrowed to cover my rent, it had gone through. The NSF charge for that now means the check for the car repair won't go through. The $500 I paid last month to keep my utilities on has come and gone and now they are all due again. I owe just about everyone and their grandma...day care...preschool...I'm afraid they are going to ask me to pull Jace out until I can pay and since I can't pay, he'll loose his spot.
I know I put myself in this situation by not budgeting and by not paying my bills before I spend on eating out and going out and material things that we could probably do without but even though I put myself here, I am still stressing out BIG time and I need to vent. I mean, it's not may times I've sat in the grocery store parking lot and cried after just scrimping out what I could buy to feed my kids for two weeks on a total of $38 in cash and a dollar in dimes and nickels. I didn't even figure than well enough and had to have them take off a loaf of bread because I was $0.60 short. And racking my brain to figure out how to make $20 in my gas tank last two weeks when one kid has physical therapy three times a week and another is lifting weights after school getting ready for basketball season and another needs picked up from day care everyday.
Something has got to give and I don't know what. I have some child support money coming but it's his first payment from a new employer so I have no idea how timely they are in sending in their payments. I also should have some money from the proceeds of the sale of my mom's house but it's not up to me when that money gets dispersed. I've already borrowed against my proceeds once so I don't feel I can ask how much is left and when we'll be getting it. Plus that brings on all these guilty feelings of essentially prospering from my mother's death. I should be so ashamed that I am counting on that money when if she were still here, there'd be no sale. Makes me feel like the worst daughter in the world... the worst person ever.
I also have a injury claim to settle from the car accident I was in back in June that I really have no idea how to go about. I hate to rush to settle just because I need the money but I need the money. Christmas is coming and all those bills and I don't know what else to do.
I always swear when I come into money that I will be better. That I will always pay the bills first and if there is anything left over then maybe we can spend on extras but I NEVER do that and a couple times I year at least, I find myself back here with the walls closing in.
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!
The walls are closing in quick. I have been playing more than just two ends against the middle for so long and now this week that just got worse. After borrowing money I can't even afford to pay back, my car semi-broke down on Monday. All it was was the battery connectors but it cost me $90 to get them replaced. Let me break that bill down a little for ya...
Shop parts $ 4.80
Labor $79.96
Tax $ 5.08
Me being hauled off to the poor house....priceless...NOT!
I just don't know what I am going to do. That $90 was the grocery and gas money for the week. For the week! I don't get paid for almost two more weeks. Before I could get to the bank (because of the car breaking down) with the money I borrowed to cover my rent, it had gone through. The NSF charge for that now means the check for the car repair won't go through. The $500 I paid last month to keep my utilities on has come and gone and now they are all due again. I owe just about everyone and their grandma...day care...preschool...I'm afraid they are going to ask me to pull Jace out until I can pay and since I can't pay, he'll loose his spot.
I know I put myself in this situation by not budgeting and by not paying my bills before I spend on eating out and going out and material things that we could probably do without but even though I put myself here, I am still stressing out BIG time and I need to vent. I mean, it's not may times I've sat in the grocery store parking lot and cried after just scrimping out what I could buy to feed my kids for two weeks on a total of $38 in cash and a dollar in dimes and nickels. I didn't even figure than well enough and had to have them take off a loaf of bread because I was $0.60 short. And racking my brain to figure out how to make $20 in my gas tank last two weeks when one kid has physical therapy three times a week and another is lifting weights after school getting ready for basketball season and another needs picked up from day care everyday.
Something has got to give and I don't know what. I have some child support money coming but it's his first payment from a new employer so I have no idea how timely they are in sending in their payments. I also should have some money from the proceeds of the sale of my mom's house but it's not up to me when that money gets dispersed. I've already borrowed against my proceeds once so I don't feel I can ask how much is left and when we'll be getting it. Plus that brings on all these guilty feelings of essentially prospering from my mother's death. I should be so ashamed that I am counting on that money when if she were still here, there'd be no sale. Makes me feel like the worst daughter in the world... the worst person ever.
I also have a injury claim to settle from the car accident I was in back in June that I really have no idea how to go about. I hate to rush to settle just because I need the money but I need the money. Christmas is coming and all those bills and I don't know what else to do.
I always swear when I come into money that I will be better. That I will always pay the bills first and if there is anything left over then maybe we can spend on extras but I NEVER do that and a couple times I year at least, I find myself back here with the walls closing in.
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Where were you when...
Some people remember where they were when Kennedy was shot - November 22, 1963. Not me since I wasn't born yet.
Some people remember where they were when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon - July 20, 1969. Again, not me, I still had not been born yet. That lovely event happened 3 1/2 months after the first moon walk.
Some people remember where they were when the Vietnam War ended - Paris Peace Accord signed January 27, 1973 and final US troop withdrawal on March 29, 1973. I was alive at this time but alas do not remember anything since I was only 3 years old.
Some people remember where they were when the hostages were released in Iran - January 21, 1981. I was in Mrs. King's 5th grade classroom huddled around a radio listening to it unfold.
Some people remember where they were when the space shuttle Challenger exploded - January 26, 1986. I was a sophomore in high school and was walking down the stairs to lunch when someone asked, "did you hear about the shuttle exploding?" I thought it was a joke and was waiting for the punchline. It was no joke.
Some people remember where they were when the Oklahoma City bombing happened - April 19, 1995. I don't know where I was at the exact moment but I do remember watching the coverage for days on end. I so related to Edye Smith whose young boys; Chase, age 3, and Colton, age 2, were killed at the day care center housed in the federal building. My now teenage sons were 1 1/2 years and 4 months old at the time. I was heartbroken for her and all the victims.
Most people remember where they were when the World Trade Center was attacked - September 11, 2001. I was in my office (it was a payroll processing day for us) and someone came to our door and said a plane had just crashed into the World Trade Center. Again, like with the shuttle explosion, I thought it was a joke. They said to go look on the tv in the cafeteria. I got in the cafeteria just in time to see the 2nd plane hit. I couldn't believe it. Much of the rest of that day was spent gathered around those tvs. Like I said, we were processing our payroll too so we had to pull ourselves away for periods at a time to actually work but it was hard. I also was watching when the towers came crumbling down.
So, having said all that...
Where were you when history was made once again and we elected our first black President - November 4, 2008? I was doing laundry. I hadn't really been watching the results on tv since Jace had control of the remote but I had been checking in on ABCNews.com. When I put Jace to bed and went down to change the laundry, Obama had 207 electoral votes. When I came back up like 5 minutes later, Charlie Gibson was declaring Obama the President-elect. I was like, "whoa, what happened in the last 5 minutes". Thank god I have DVR so I rewound live tv (yes I can) and tuned back in as Charlie was saying "some stations will break away for local news but the polls close in California in 10 seconds". ...DRAMATIC PAUSE... "ABC can now say that Barak Obama has been elected our next President. He will take California and it's 55 electoral votes, and he will take Washington with it's 11 electoral votes...". And that was it; electoral vote count at 273 at that point, Barak Obama had become our 44th President and made history as the first black President.
Some people remember where they were when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon - July 20, 1969. Again, not me, I still had not been born yet. That lovely event happened 3 1/2 months after the first moon walk.
Some people remember where they were when the Vietnam War ended - Paris Peace Accord signed January 27, 1973 and final US troop withdrawal on March 29, 1973. I was alive at this time but alas do not remember anything since I was only 3 years old.
Some people remember where they were when the hostages were released in Iran - January 21, 1981. I was in Mrs. King's 5th grade classroom huddled around a radio listening to it unfold.
Some people remember where they were when the space shuttle Challenger exploded - January 26, 1986. I was a sophomore in high school and was walking down the stairs to lunch when someone asked, "did you hear about the shuttle exploding?" I thought it was a joke and was waiting for the punchline. It was no joke.
Some people remember where they were when the Oklahoma City bombing happened - April 19, 1995. I don't know where I was at the exact moment but I do remember watching the coverage for days on end. I so related to Edye Smith whose young boys; Chase, age 3, and Colton, age 2, were killed at the day care center housed in the federal building. My now teenage sons were 1 1/2 years and 4 months old at the time. I was heartbroken for her and all the victims.
Most people remember where they were when the World Trade Center was attacked - September 11, 2001. I was in my office (it was a payroll processing day for us) and someone came to our door and said a plane had just crashed into the World Trade Center. Again, like with the shuttle explosion, I thought it was a joke. They said to go look on the tv in the cafeteria. I got in the cafeteria just in time to see the 2nd plane hit. I couldn't believe it. Much of the rest of that day was spent gathered around those tvs. Like I said, we were processing our payroll too so we had to pull ourselves away for periods at a time to actually work but it was hard. I also was watching when the towers came crumbling down.
So, having said all that...
Where were you when history was made once again and we elected our first black President - November 4, 2008? I was doing laundry. I hadn't really been watching the results on tv since Jace had control of the remote but I had been checking in on ABCNews.com. When I put Jace to bed and went down to change the laundry, Obama had 207 electoral votes. When I came back up like 5 minutes later, Charlie Gibson was declaring Obama the President-elect. I was like, "whoa, what happened in the last 5 minutes". Thank god I have DVR so I rewound live tv (yes I can) and tuned back in as Charlie was saying "some stations will break away for local news but the polls close in California in 10 seconds". ...DRAMATIC PAUSE... "ABC can now say that Barak Obama has been elected our next President. He will take California and it's 55 electoral votes, and he will take Washington with it's 11 electoral votes...". And that was it; electoral vote count at 273 at that point, Barak Obama had become our 44th President and made history as the first black President.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
The Brave Little Pollster
(wait...is a pollster someone who votes or someone who tablulates the votes? Oh well, I like it anyway.)
So earlier today I posted about how I was a Virgin Voter. I had been so paralized with fear (or stupidity) in the passed that I simply did nothing at all. I had NEVER voted in any election even though I have been eligible to vote for 20 years. Amazing, huh?!
Well, bollstered by tales of how easy it was and what to expect...I finally did it! I lost my voting virginity! It felt great! (oops - that's a mixed metaphor) It took all of about 5 minutes. I couldn't believe it! What had I be so afraid of? I was being so silly!
So now I will be glued to the coverage tonight to watch my vote count! I am so excited!
40 Year Old Virgin Voter
You've heard of the movie "40 Year Old Virgin"? Well, I am the almost 40 year old virgin voter. I have NEVER voted in my life!! I've wanted to. I've felt strongly either about particular candiates or the party they represent and have wanted to sway the election with my one vote. This year is no different. I have a candidate I am behind and want to do my DEMOCRATic duty (hint, hint) but I have NO idea how to go about it.
I do not do well in situations that I don't know exact what to do. I feel stupid. But I do not like it when (or if) people think I am stupid. Cuz I am not, I just have blonde moments occassionally, and it drives me absolutely crazy to think that people think I am dumb because I am not. But I feel I will definitely look like an idiot walking into a polling place (if I could even find the right one) and not have a single clue what to say or do. I get paralyzed with fear so I do nothing.
The closest I've come to voting in the passed (other than in school when we voted on little slips of paper) was requesting the Absentee Ballot. I figured this is good because then I don't have to actually go into the polling place and see actual people who will think I am an idiot. BUT since I am the biggest procrastinator and hardly ever open my mail...I never get the absentee ballot opened let alone filled out or sent in.
I've never disclosed until the last few days that I have NEVER voted. Again, because I felt stupid. I mean, how could I not vote? How could I not let my voice be heard? How stupid is it that I don't take advantage of this priviledge to choose? I mentioned my lack of voting and the fear that has kept me from voting to some co-workers this morning and with some coaching, I'm starting to feel like maybe I could try it this year. This is a particularly historic election and I do feel strongly for my party. I need to concur this fear and get out there and Rock the Vote.
If only I could get someone to pick me up, take me to the polls, give me a little shove in the right direction and perhaps a stiff drink (did you know there are 7 states that ban alcohol sales on election day? Iowa is NOT one of them), I'd feel much better about it. Anyone? No? Ok so I guess I am on my own today.
So this is my Girl Scout pledge...
On my honor, I'll do my best, to not be so damn repressed!
I do not do well in situations that I don't know exact what to do. I feel stupid. But I do not like it when (or if) people think I am stupid. Cuz I am not, I just have blonde moments occassionally, and it drives me absolutely crazy to think that people think I am dumb because I am not. But I feel I will definitely look like an idiot walking into a polling place (if I could even find the right one) and not have a single clue what to say or do. I get paralyzed with fear so I do nothing.
The closest I've come to voting in the passed (other than in school when we voted on little slips of paper) was requesting the Absentee Ballot. I figured this is good because then I don't have to actually go into the polling place and see actual people who will think I am an idiot. BUT since I am the biggest procrastinator and hardly ever open my mail...I never get the absentee ballot opened let alone filled out or sent in.
I've never disclosed until the last few days that I have NEVER voted. Again, because I felt stupid. I mean, how could I not vote? How could I not let my voice be heard? How stupid is it that I don't take advantage of this priviledge to choose? I mentioned my lack of voting and the fear that has kept me from voting to some co-workers this morning and with some coaching, I'm starting to feel like maybe I could try it this year. This is a particularly historic election and I do feel strongly for my party. I need to concur this fear and get out there and Rock the Vote.
If only I could get someone to pick me up, take me to the polls, give me a little shove in the right direction and perhaps a stiff drink (did you know there are 7 states that ban alcohol sales on election day? Iowa is NOT one of them), I'd feel much better about it. Anyone? No? Ok so I guess I am on my own today.
So this is my Girl Scout pledge...
On my honor, I'll do my best, to not be so damn repressed!
Monday, November 03, 2008
Name that Costume...
Can you name this masked man?
Oops - yes, that is Jace under the mask. But can you name the mask (costume) itself?
If you said a Transformer...ding ding ding...you get 2 pts!
2 more pts if you actually named the Transformer (Optimus Prime).
But sadly, you get 0 (that's a big fat ZERO) if you said blue (or red) Power Ranger like about 75% of the people said when we were trick or treating.
Jace didn't really seem to notice - I think it bothered Ken & I more than anything. Doesn't it suck when people just don't get it?! I mean wasn't the Transformers movie one of the biggest blockbusters in the last couple years and the highly anticipated Transformers 2 is coming out soon?! Come on people crawl out from under the rock you've been living under and see a movie once and a while.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Entitlement and Misguided Respect
I am a little drunk so please excuse the typos as there may be plenty and please excuse the total immaturaty of this subject but, like I said, I am a little drunk and everything is a crisis when you are drunk.
So, I my cell phone went dead early on in my evening out with friends tonight. I figured it's a new battery, you are supposed to let them die completely down the first time and then recharge them. BUT when I got home 5 hrs later, I was excited to plug it in and see if I got any text messages. There probably was going to be at least one booty offer from my not-so-ex-husband. I could except or decline - my choice - but first I had to see if there was even any messages.
Got home, went to the outlet I always keep my charger in and it was gone. I had just used it a day or so before so I know it was there. My son and I have the same phone but our own chargers so he shoudn't need mine but he had to have taken it. I remembered him rolling up the cord around a charger earlier in the day before he went to his dad's but I never thought it was my charger because he had his own.
I was mad!
I called him from our home phone on his cell phone and when he answered, immediately jumped on him,
me: "did you take my charger?"
him: "uh, yeah"
me: "did you ask me if you could?"
him: " you saw me taking it"
me: " I thought that was your charger, why would I ever think it was mine?"
silence...
at some point...
him: "well, I left mine at Billy's"
me: "then why didn't you ask your dad to take you back?"
him: "cuz we were already so far away"
me: "SO. Wouldn't it have been better to have asked and he said no then not to ask at at?
silence...
me: "so when will I get my charger tomorrow?"
him: "uh, when we come home" (which isn't 'til after 6:00 pm usually)
me: "so, I have to go the whole day with no phone just because you think you deserved to take something of mine
him: "well, you still have the home phone"
me: "maybe I want to see if I have any text messages. Isn't that why you wanted your phone charged? To be able to text? Why are you any better than me?"
silence...
at some point there was some shouting from me saying "you don't respect me. All I am to you is a taxi driver and an ATM machine. Maybe when I get my charger back I should take your phone for a couple days so you can see how it feels"
me: "why can't you ask your dad to bring the charger back over tomorrow?"
him: "well, if he brings us over for that, he'll say why don't you just go home yourselves then too".
me: "not if you ask him to bring you right when you get up"
him: "well, I don't think they are going to get up too early so by time they do get up, he will just want to drop us off too"
me: "oh I see...you don't want to inconvenience your dad by asking him to go back to Billy's house to get your charger but you can inconvenience the fuck out of me by taking mine"
silence...
The thing is he never once said he was sorry! Where the fuck do they get this sense of entitlement?! That they can take whatever the fuck they want and screw whoever it inconveniences. I know, I know...from me probably. But it still pisses me the fuck off.
Back to his comment about if he asks his dad to bring him home to bring me my charger then his dad will just want to drop him of too. Unfortunately, I said, "See! Why would you want to be around that? I take care of and spend time with you every day and you care more about someone who would drop you off early just to convenience them! I don't get why you give him more consideration than you would give me".
Not my most shining moment. And alcohol is NO excuse. BUT...it has always drove me CRAZY how my boys have this unconditional love for their father when he has been as absentee father 90% of their lives. No matter what bullshit he pulls, and trust me, he has pulled some doosies (hurtful, mean, underhanded, disrespectful, selfish doosies) in their lifetime...they still love him unconditionally. He isn't invisible to them like I am. He isn't stupid to them like I am. He isn't a drag to him like I am. He isn't a means to what they want like I am and it drives me fucking crazy!
I know that probably makes me selfish too...to want them to bow at my feet for all the sacrifices I have made for them but I can't help it. Lord knows I am not a mother for the glory cuz Lord also knows there are times there is no glory...but is it too much to ask that there are times your kids respect what you do above and beyond being biologically obligated to mother them. Yes, I have to do it but that's not even it. I want to do it. I find great joy in giving them what makes them happy but when does it ever cross their mind to make their mother happy
I don't know...I am a little drunk...and probably all "react first, think later"...and I KNOW I handled it all badly...but it hurts...it hurts real bad that I don't know that I will ever have that unconditional love they give their father even though I am the one who has given them everything all their lives. It hurts...it hurts real bad!
So, I my cell phone went dead early on in my evening out with friends tonight. I figured it's a new battery, you are supposed to let them die completely down the first time and then recharge them. BUT when I got home 5 hrs later, I was excited to plug it in and see if I got any text messages. There probably was going to be at least one booty offer from my not-so-ex-husband. I could except or decline - my choice - but first I had to see if there was even any messages.
Got home, went to the outlet I always keep my charger in and it was gone. I had just used it a day or so before so I know it was there. My son and I have the same phone but our own chargers so he shoudn't need mine but he had to have taken it. I remembered him rolling up the cord around a charger earlier in the day before he went to his dad's but I never thought it was my charger because he had his own.
I was mad!
I called him from our home phone on his cell phone and when he answered, immediately jumped on him,
me: "did you take my charger?"
him: "uh, yeah"
me: "did you ask me if you could?"
him: " you saw me taking it"
me: " I thought that was your charger, why would I ever think it was mine?"
silence...
at some point...
him: "well, I left mine at Billy's"
me: "then why didn't you ask your dad to take you back?"
him: "cuz we were already so far away"
me: "SO. Wouldn't it have been better to have asked and he said no then not to ask at at?
silence...
me: "so when will I get my charger tomorrow?"
him: "uh, when we come home" (which isn't 'til after 6:00 pm usually)
me: "so, I have to go the whole day with no phone just because you think you deserved to take something of mine
him: "well, you still have the home phone"
me: "maybe I want to see if I have any text messages. Isn't that why you wanted your phone charged? To be able to text? Why are you any better than me?"
silence...
at some point there was some shouting from me saying "you don't respect me. All I am to you is a taxi driver and an ATM machine. Maybe when I get my charger back I should take your phone for a couple days so you can see how it feels"
me: "why can't you ask your dad to bring the charger back over tomorrow?"
him: "well, if he brings us over for that, he'll say why don't you just go home yourselves then too".
me: "not if you ask him to bring you right when you get up"
him: "well, I don't think they are going to get up too early so by time they do get up, he will just want to drop us off too"
me: "oh I see...you don't want to inconvenience your dad by asking him to go back to Billy's house to get your charger but you can inconvenience the fuck out of me by taking mine"
silence...
The thing is he never once said he was sorry! Where the fuck do they get this sense of entitlement?! That they can take whatever the fuck they want and screw whoever it inconveniences. I know, I know...from me probably. But it still pisses me the fuck off.
Back to his comment about if he asks his dad to bring him home to bring me my charger then his dad will just want to drop him of too. Unfortunately, I said, "See! Why would you want to be around that? I take care of and spend time with you every day and you care more about someone who would drop you off early just to convenience them! I don't get why you give him more consideration than you would give me".
Not my most shining moment. And alcohol is NO excuse. BUT...it has always drove me CRAZY how my boys have this unconditional love for their father when he has been as absentee father 90% of their lives. No matter what bullshit he pulls, and trust me, he has pulled some doosies (hurtful, mean, underhanded, disrespectful, selfish doosies) in their lifetime...they still love him unconditionally. He isn't invisible to them like I am. He isn't stupid to them like I am. He isn't a drag to him like I am. He isn't a means to what they want like I am and it drives me fucking crazy!
I know that probably makes me selfish too...to want them to bow at my feet for all the sacrifices I have made for them but I can't help it. Lord knows I am not a mother for the glory cuz Lord also knows there are times there is no glory...but is it too much to ask that there are times your kids respect what you do above and beyond being biologically obligated to mother them. Yes, I have to do it but that's not even it. I want to do it. I find great joy in giving them what makes them happy but when does it ever cross their mind to make their mother happy
I don't know...I am a little drunk...and probably all "react first, think later"...and I KNOW I handled it all badly...but it hurts...it hurts real bad that I don't know that I will ever have that unconditional love they give their father even though I am the one who has given them everything all their lives. It hurts...it hurts real bad!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
HELP...where do I find this toy for Christmas this year...
Jace is asking for a particular toy and with Christmas just around the corner, I am trying to find it but I have no idea where I can get it.
He says he saw it on tv but I have never heard of it before and cannot find a store in our area or online that carries them. You know how it is that you do everything you can get your child that one thing they definitely want for Christmas.
Please let me know if anyone knows where I can find these. I'd even buy a used one from someone if they have one.
Again, I have never heard of these but he is asking for STAR WHORES. Any ideas?
He says he saw it on tv but I have never heard of it before and cannot find a store in our area or online that carries them. You know how it is that you do everything you can get your child that one thing they definitely want for Christmas.
Please let me know if anyone knows where I can find these. I'd even buy a used one from someone if they have one.
Again, I have never heard of these but he is asking for STAR WHORES. Any ideas?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Things That Make Ya Go Hmmm...
Entering a women only bathroom at work and finding the seat up.
Huh?!
Don't even want to know who (or what) was in there before me.
Huh?!
Don't even want to know who (or what) was in there before me.
You're Not My Friend Anymore...
Ahhh - how many a kid of so many ages have spouted those exact words...and my Jace is no different. On the way home from day care today, he said...
"Kaytee is not my friend anymore."
I said, "Kaytee isn't your friend anymore?", in a concerned, questioning voice.
Jace said, "I am so done with her telling on me."
I decided to wait 'til I quit laughing on the inside to ask what he was doing that she was "telling on". HAHA.
"Kaytee is not my friend anymore."
I said, "Kaytee isn't your friend anymore?", in a concerned, questioning voice.
Jace said, "I am so done with her telling on me."
I decided to wait 'til I quit laughing on the inside to ask what he was doing that she was "telling on". HAHA.
Friday, October 10, 2008
ok so being fat SUCKS...
I'm fat, I admit it...but I am working on it...and even though I've lost 8.4 lbs, every once and a while I'm reminded I still have a long way to go. Case in point...today I had to run some lunch money out to my son's school and since the high school isn't nice enough to have the school store right at the front of the building and up only one flight of stairs like the middle school does - I had to go up (2) flights of stairs and down a long hallway. It was at that point that I had to start Lamaze breathing to make it down the next long hall way to get my destination. It sucks to be fat!
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Seen and NOT Heard...
I'm going to file this under "children should be seen, not heard"...
So, I was playing Mom Taxi again today...scheduled to pick up one son from open gym for basketball and another son (and three of his friends) from the 8th grade football game. On the way home, a light changed to yellow suddenly...you know all of a sudden, out of now where, didn't see it coming, unpredictably. There was way too much distance between me and the light to even try to make it, yet not enough distance between me and the light to slow down and come to a stop at an even, steady pace. I pressed the brakes VERY firmly and said, "WHOA!!". Then I heard from the back seat from one of the friends (my kids know better)..."you shouldn't be speeding and you wouldn't have to do that".
I was speechless (hard to believe, I know). I could not believe he had said that to me. I mean, what ever happened to respect your elders?! Then I was kinda ticked. I was like beggers can't be choosers - if you need me to give you a ride home then no comments from the peanut gallery as to how I drive. And that is in no way an admission of guilt. I actually have no idea how fast I was going so I couldn't really say one way or the other. Still...I was TOTALLY disrespected!
(wow - how many "figures of speech" did I manage to use in this post.)
So, I was playing Mom Taxi again today...scheduled to pick up one son from open gym for basketball and another son (and three of his friends) from the 8th grade football game. On the way home, a light changed to yellow suddenly...you know all of a sudden, out of now where, didn't see it coming, unpredictably. There was way too much distance between me and the light to even try to make it, yet not enough distance between me and the light to slow down and come to a stop at an even, steady pace. I pressed the brakes VERY firmly and said, "WHOA!!". Then I heard from the back seat from one of the friends (my kids know better)..."you shouldn't be speeding and you wouldn't have to do that".
I was speechless (hard to believe, I know). I could not believe he had said that to me. I mean, what ever happened to respect your elders?! Then I was kinda ticked. I was like beggers can't be choosers - if you need me to give you a ride home then no comments from the peanut gallery as to how I drive. And that is in no way an admission of guilt. I actually have no idea how fast I was going so I couldn't really say one way or the other. Still...I was TOTALLY disrespected!
(wow - how many "figures of speech" did I manage to use in this post.)
Monday, September 22, 2008
5 steps forward and 3 steps back...
So my last post was about my diet and exercise program starting again. If it were a sequal it would be called Lori's Quest part XXXIV but we won't go there. Great news though...I lost 5 lbs in 4 days last week. Ooh, what a feeling!!! Of course I gained back 3 lbs at my brother's wedding over the weekend. But at least I didn't gain back all of it so I am at a good place to pick right back up today.
The workout dvd I am doing was (3) stages...Start It Up, Ramp It Up, and Burn It Up. I think your are really only supposed to do the first stage for a 3 or 4 days and then move on the the next. I am not ready for that...I think one more week for Start It Up and I'll be ready to move on to Ramp It Up. That also means going from a 25 minute work out to a 45 minutes every day. I'll have to see if my girls at work want to commit that much time or if I'll have to start doing that one at home. My problem is actually doing it at home though. At work, others are heading to work out at the same time and that drives me to stick with it and not just stay in bed longer.
But right now I gotta "pop the seal". This (3) 32 oz containers of water a day is really exercising my bladder muscles. So, see this regime is truly a total body work out.
The workout dvd I am doing was (3) stages...Start It Up, Ramp It Up, and Burn It Up. I think your are really only supposed to do the first stage for a 3 or 4 days and then move on the the next. I am not ready for that...I think one more week for Start It Up and I'll be ready to move on to Ramp It Up. That also means going from a 25 minute work out to a 45 minutes every day. I'll have to see if my girls at work want to commit that much time or if I'll have to start doing that one at home. My problem is actually doing it at home though. At work, others are heading to work out at the same time and that drives me to stick with it and not just stay in bed longer.
But right now I gotta "pop the seal". This (3) 32 oz containers of water a day is really exercising my bladder muscles. So, see this regime is truly a total body work out.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
What I ate before my diet started...
I am once again starting a diet and exercise regime on Monday so what did I manage to ate this last day before hell week...Long John Silvers (twice over the weekend no less) and almost an entire box of Little Debbie chocolate chip muffins (I ate two of them last night so I technically didn't eat the whole box in one day. I love technicalities!)
It's no wonder I need to go on a diet! The fear of hitting the big (no pun intended) 2 0 0 is what's driving me! I have never been over that without being pregnant so drastic times call for drastic measures. I am dangerously close that that danger zone. Normally I would never allude to being anywhere near that size but I can't hide from it anymore. Turning the other cheek (or double chin as the case may be) is what got me to this point.
I want to be healthier, to feel better. I want to have more energy to do more with my 3 year old. I don't want to me horrified when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself. And of course I want to be more attractive too. I know Mr. Right should love me for who I am no matter what size I am but let's be honest, that isn't happening. And if I am honest with myself, I don't give larger men a chance so why would I expect a man to do it for me.
So, tomorrow is the dawn of a new day. I've got people at work to work out with so I really hope they help me stick with it. After the first few days, you are so drained that it's so easy to cop out. One day of copping out leads to another and another and before you know it, you never work out at all anymore. And you are embarrassed so you try to look really busy or make sure you don't leave your office when you know the others are working out so that you don't have to face them. It's a vicious cycle and it's stupid. Just work out! Just do it! It's not the end of the world. Eventually you do feel better for doing it. Just do it stupid! Oops - sorry lost in some inner dialogue there!!
Ok then, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life! (I know, I know it's the first day of the rest of my life no matter if I diet or not but work with me here!)
It's no wonder I need to go on a diet! The fear of hitting the big (no pun intended) 2 0 0 is what's driving me! I have never been over that without being pregnant so drastic times call for drastic measures. I am dangerously close that that danger zone. Normally I would never allude to being anywhere near that size but I can't hide from it anymore. Turning the other cheek (or double chin as the case may be) is what got me to this point.
I want to be healthier, to feel better. I want to have more energy to do more with my 3 year old. I don't want to me horrified when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself. And of course I want to be more attractive too. I know Mr. Right should love me for who I am no matter what size I am but let's be honest, that isn't happening. And if I am honest with myself, I don't give larger men a chance so why would I expect a man to do it for me.
So, tomorrow is the dawn of a new day. I've got people at work to work out with so I really hope they help me stick with it. After the first few days, you are so drained that it's so easy to cop out. One day of copping out leads to another and another and before you know it, you never work out at all anymore. And you are embarrassed so you try to look really busy or make sure you don't leave your office when you know the others are working out so that you don't have to face them. It's a vicious cycle and it's stupid. Just work out! Just do it! It's not the end of the world. Eventually you do feel better for doing it. Just do it stupid! Oops - sorry lost in some inner dialogue there!!
Ok then, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life! (I know, I know it's the first day of the rest of my life no matter if I diet or not but work with me here!)
Friday, August 29, 2008
First Aid or Boy Scout Survival Skills...I'm not sure which...
So, the big boys were babysitting the other night while I went to a Pampered Chef party. I called home about 2 1/2 hours in to say I would be home in about a 1/2 hour or so. The report was fine except they did tell me that Jace had been twirling around, hit his head on the footstool and had a big bump. I was like, "is he ok now"..."yes"..."ok, I'll be home soon".
When I got home Jace came running into my arms, shouting "MOMMY!!!". After we sat down and I noticed the black & blue goose egg on his forehead, I said, "man, you really do have a big bump there, don't ya?". That's when Brendon told me they iced it down with...wait for it...A POPSICLE (a Flavor-Ice) and then Brendon ate the popsicle.
That's using your brain there. I'd say Boy Scout survival skills if Brendon had actually done more in Boy Scouts then simply tag along for a camping weekend with a friend who was a scout. Must have learned a lot in the one weekend.
When I got home Jace came running into my arms, shouting "MOMMY!!!". After we sat down and I noticed the black & blue goose egg on his forehead, I said, "man, you really do have a big bump there, don't ya?". That's when Brendon told me they iced it down with...wait for it...A POPSICLE (a Flavor-Ice) and then Brendon ate the popsicle.
That's using your brain there. I'd say Boy Scout survival skills if Brendon had actually done more in Boy Scouts then simply tag along for a camping weekend with a friend who was a scout. Must have learned a lot in the one weekend.
Friday, August 22, 2008
In Loving Memory...
I have been avoiding this. I mean I have had blogger's block for a while now but I have especially been avoiding writing about my mother, for I knew I would simply break down.
Perhaps some of you read my posts last April when after a series of hospital stays my mother was considering stopping dialysis and what that meant as far as what she would face and how much time she would have. Well, she got stronger and decided to give it another go. Although she had some good days, she never got better. On top of everything else her body had endured, she had also been diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease). It was the not being able to breath and struggling for every breath that took her to the hospital several more times over the following months. Each visit usually a week's stay at a time.
She had spent the last week of July in and by August 4th was begging to be taken back in for she absolutely could not breath. It was then that she finally started to express to her doctors what she previously had only shared with the family, that she was done. She didn't want to live with it all any longer. It was at this same time that her doctors began to share with us that there was nothing more medically they could do for her. She was only going to get worse and she couldn't have taken what worse had in store. Throughout that week she continued to express what she wanted and with her blessing, I set up a meeting with the family and her doctor to make it official.
That meeting was supposed to take place on Saturday, August 9th, but she unexplicably took a turn for the worse Thursday night into Friday morning. I spoke to her doctor that morning and it didn't look good. My boys were going to be gone for the weekend and I had a feeling that if I waited out the weekend for them to see her again it would be too late, so I took them up Friday afternoon. To say we all were shocked by her condition when we arrived would be an understatement. She could barely speak but if we got close enough she could recognize us. After not to long, I sent my boys down to the waiting room and I preceeding to tell my mother it was ok for her to let go that we'd all be ok. I told her I loved her and she said, "I love you too baby". That was our goodbye. She never said another actual word, to me, that is. She did, the next day though, lean up as much as she could toward me when I leaned in to kiss her and kissed me back.
I called my brother after I left the hospital and said the way she looked I didn't think she would make it though the night. He said, "I know. That's what I felt when I was there this morning". I spoke to her doctor at 4:00 pm that afternoon and the decision was made to stop all treatment and just do what they could to keep her comfortable until the end. He felt she wouldn't have more than 5 days at that point. We decided to keep the meeting we had scheduled so that we could discuss what this time would entail.
Her twin sister and her husband were already on their way from Missouri. My brother in Wisconsin wasn't coming 'til the morning, in time for the meeting, so I called him and told him if he wanted any chance of saying good-bye, he should come now. He was here within a couple hours when it should have taken him more like 3 (sshhh, don't tell the state police that).
I had made plans that night to have dinner with friends as one friend who had moved away a couple years ago was going to be in town and I made the decision to go ahead with those plans. I felt guilty but I knew my mother and I had had our good-byes.
At the meeting the next morning, her doctor said he felt we were talking a matter of hours rather than days. 3 days at the most. Her room that day was filled with family. Her twin, all three of her children and significant others, a nephew (her twin's son) and two of her granddaughters came for a while too. It was hard just sitting there watching her. Our hearts stopping every time there was a long pause between her breathes. Each time thinking to ourselves, "was that it? Was that her last?" Excruciating.
My aunt stayed as long as she possibly could. She had said, "I was with her when she came into this world, it's only right that I'm with her when she goes". Her heart so obviously breaking.
By Sunday afternoon mom was in a coma. On Saturday she had startled and opened her eyes at just about every sound. A simple cough or sneeze...or the loud boom of an oxgen tank being knocked over to crash to the tile floor not once but twice (I won't name names but they know who they are - hehe). When she did open her eyes, there wasn't much recognition. She mainly stared at the ceiling. We chose to believe she was seeing the lights and sights of heaven then. Seeing those who were waiting there for her. The only time she spoke was to tell her sister she would see her in heaven, told my brother we were all going to heaven, and asked for my dad.
All of that was gone late Sunday and we really thought she would go that day since it was 21 years to the day since my dad had passed away. We really thought she was writing her own history there by holding out for the anniversary of his death, but Sunday came and went. My aunt and cousin went on home to Missouri that evening knowing now she essentially was gone to us and felt comfortable knowing she knew they had been there and were ok with that.
Sunday turned into Monday and Monday turned into Tuesday. We had been taking shifts. Sometimes we all were there, sometimes only a couple of us were there but someone was with her all the time. At least two of us stayed each night. The accommodations weren't exactly 4 Star - unless it's typical to tip over backward while trying to sleep in a crappy recliner at a 4 Star hotel...somehow I doubt it. But it didn't matter - we wanted to be with her.
By Wednesday we were asking ourselves what she could be holding on for. The hospice nurses we so great. They answered all our questions, told us what to expect and ease our fears and concerns as best they could. That day they encouraged us to start leaving her alone for longer periods of time. That's it's possible she could be waiting 'til people weren't there. Whether it was to spare us or to just go on her own. So, we all left at noon that day. Again, each of us saying goodbye. After everyone else had left the room, I leaned directly to her ear and said, "you go ahead and go now mom, we love you".
No one went back up 'til about 7:30 pm that night. I had actually taken Jace to the pool that night since I felt I had been neglecting him and shuffling him around at all hours of the night so that I could go back up to the hospital to spend the night. I was considering not going back up that night. I had stayed every other night so I was kicking around the idea of sleeping in my own bed that night and going up after I took Brendon to freshman orientation that next morning. I had spoken to my brothers at 8:00 pm and there was no change.
At about 9:45 pm, I was still debating what I was going to do when the phone rang...it was my brother. He asked me if I was planning on coming back up. I said I hadn't decided yet and he proceeded to tell me she had just vomited some sort of black substance and was not breathing well since. The nurses were cleaning her up but it didn't look good. I said I would change my clothes and be right there. I went down stairs and told the big boys that grandma had taken a turn for the worse and that I needed to go, I grabbed some clothes from the laundry room, went to my room and changed, I doubled checked my bag I had been lugging back and forth since I planned on being there through the night now, and was grabbing my shoes when the phone rang again. It was my brother telling me she was gone. 10:05 pm, Wednesday, August 13, 2008...she was gone.
I can't tell you how upsetting it was that after being there almost every moment and if I hadn't been selfishly thinking of taking the night off that night, I would have been back to the hospital before all this happened, how upsetting it was that when the end did come - I wasn't there. My pain for myself turned to heartache for my brother that he had to go through it alone. But you know, I think she planned it that way, that she waited 'til the oldest and seemingly the strongest was there and spared the others. I know that is a hard position to put my brother in but I think she felt safe there with the person who always took care of her. And that's not to say others haven't been there for her, but my brother did shoulder the brunt more than most.
The next few days were a blur. Finalizing funeral arrangements which included a visitation service here in town as well as a visitation and funeral in her home town in Missouri. Then she was buried not far from there in a family cemetery next to my dad. 21 years and 3 days - they were together again.
We came back to Iowa the same day and that was one of the hardest things to do...to leave her there...to come home without her. We always went to Missouri as a family and came home as a family. But like I've told friends, I know she is where she wants to be. I know I’ll go through the same struggle that I did when my dad died that there is no grave I can visit regularly. I can’t put flowers on her grave when I am thinking of her. That will be hard.
When I think about being at her house, I just keep expecting her to come walking out from the bedroom or the bathroom. I really just keep expecting this to have all been a bad dream, another time when she thought about stopping dialysis but she changed her mind again and is really still with us.
I knew this would be the hardest part…going on with out her. I can’t just pick up the phone and call her to be a sounding board and then get mad at her when she finds the negative in what I’m saying. That was how we were.
My emotions have been all over the place. Like when a friend said, "My heart just goes out to you. I’m not even going to tell you all the old clichés that you don’t want to hear cause I know it won’t do any good when I know that all you want is your mom". My response was, "You are right (and it made me chuckle) that everyone says the same thing…that she is at peace or not hurting anymore or in a better place…and I know all of that in my head…it’s just hard for my heart to accept. It was her choice to stop her dialysis and I told her several times it was ok to let go. And it was, I knew this is what she wanted, to not be in pain anymore…I knew all along I would just be strong for her and help her let go and deal with my emotions when she was gone and that’s what I’m trying to do".
Yesterday was one of my worst days and I broke down in an e-mail to another friend... "People say I have been so strong, stronger than they would be if they lost their mother and then I feel guilty that my lack of breaking down in tears means I didn’t care. I feel guilty that I wasn’t always there for my mom and can never make that up to her. I wasn’t always kind to her or about her to others and I can’t take it back. I’m angry at people for asking me how I’m doing. It’s like they expect me to fall apart at that moment and spill my most inner thoughts and feelings and that just isn’t going to happen. I’m doing as well as can be expected and I don’t know what they want me to say. We are going to start packing up her belongings this weekend. I feel like this whole thing of finalizing her affairs is going to rip what is left of my family apart and through it all I just keep expecting it all to have been a bad dream. That she is at her house right now milling around, doing her laundry during the commercials of her soaps and if I were to walk in the door there’d she’d be still getting by. It constantly hits me like a tons of bricks that if I do walk in her house, she isn’t there and that I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I can’t get over the fact that one Friday night I was sitting with you all having drinks and the next Friday night I was greeting people at her visitation service. I know that it’s all still so new and that in time it will get better. I also knew all along that I would be strong for her to help her let go and then deal with my emotions afterward but I can’t shake the feel that we should have had more time. I don’t want to go back to work and be around a bunch of people. I am just not ready to go on without her."
I miss her so much!!!
Perhaps some of you read my posts last April when after a series of hospital stays my mother was considering stopping dialysis and what that meant as far as what she would face and how much time she would have. Well, she got stronger and decided to give it another go. Although she had some good days, she never got better. On top of everything else her body had endured, she had also been diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmanary Disease). It was the not being able to breath and struggling for every breath that took her to the hospital several more times over the following months. Each visit usually a week's stay at a time.
She had spent the last week of July in and by August 4th was begging to be taken back in for she absolutely could not breath. It was then that she finally started to express to her doctors what she previously had only shared with the family, that she was done. She didn't want to live with it all any longer. It was at this same time that her doctors began to share with us that there was nothing more medically they could do for her. She was only going to get worse and she couldn't have taken what worse had in store. Throughout that week she continued to express what she wanted and with her blessing, I set up a meeting with the family and her doctor to make it official.
That meeting was supposed to take place on Saturday, August 9th, but she unexplicably took a turn for the worse Thursday night into Friday morning. I spoke to her doctor that morning and it didn't look good. My boys were going to be gone for the weekend and I had a feeling that if I waited out the weekend for them to see her again it would be too late, so I took them up Friday afternoon. To say we all were shocked by her condition when we arrived would be an understatement. She could barely speak but if we got close enough she could recognize us. After not to long, I sent my boys down to the waiting room and I preceeding to tell my mother it was ok for her to let go that we'd all be ok. I told her I loved her and she said, "I love you too baby". That was our goodbye. She never said another actual word, to me, that is. She did, the next day though, lean up as much as she could toward me when I leaned in to kiss her and kissed me back.
I called my brother after I left the hospital and said the way she looked I didn't think she would make it though the night. He said, "I know. That's what I felt when I was there this morning". I spoke to her doctor at 4:00 pm that afternoon and the decision was made to stop all treatment and just do what they could to keep her comfortable until the end. He felt she wouldn't have more than 5 days at that point. We decided to keep the meeting we had scheduled so that we could discuss what this time would entail.
Her twin sister and her husband were already on their way from Missouri. My brother in Wisconsin wasn't coming 'til the morning, in time for the meeting, so I called him and told him if he wanted any chance of saying good-bye, he should come now. He was here within a couple hours when it should have taken him more like 3 (sshhh, don't tell the state police that).
I had made plans that night to have dinner with friends as one friend who had moved away a couple years ago was going to be in town and I made the decision to go ahead with those plans. I felt guilty but I knew my mother and I had had our good-byes.
At the meeting the next morning, her doctor said he felt we were talking a matter of hours rather than days. 3 days at the most. Her room that day was filled with family. Her twin, all three of her children and significant others, a nephew (her twin's son) and two of her granddaughters came for a while too. It was hard just sitting there watching her. Our hearts stopping every time there was a long pause between her breathes. Each time thinking to ourselves, "was that it? Was that her last?" Excruciating.
My aunt stayed as long as she possibly could. She had said, "I was with her when she came into this world, it's only right that I'm with her when she goes". Her heart so obviously breaking.
By Sunday afternoon mom was in a coma. On Saturday she had startled and opened her eyes at just about every sound. A simple cough or sneeze...or the loud boom of an oxgen tank being knocked over to crash to the tile floor not once but twice (I won't name names but they know who they are - hehe). When she did open her eyes, there wasn't much recognition. She mainly stared at the ceiling. We chose to believe she was seeing the lights and sights of heaven then. Seeing those who were waiting there for her. The only time she spoke was to tell her sister she would see her in heaven, told my brother we were all going to heaven, and asked for my dad.
All of that was gone late Sunday and we really thought she would go that day since it was 21 years to the day since my dad had passed away. We really thought she was writing her own history there by holding out for the anniversary of his death, but Sunday came and went. My aunt and cousin went on home to Missouri that evening knowing now she essentially was gone to us and felt comfortable knowing she knew they had been there and were ok with that.
Sunday turned into Monday and Monday turned into Tuesday. We had been taking shifts. Sometimes we all were there, sometimes only a couple of us were there but someone was with her all the time. At least two of us stayed each night. The accommodations weren't exactly 4 Star - unless it's typical to tip over backward while trying to sleep in a crappy recliner at a 4 Star hotel...somehow I doubt it. But it didn't matter - we wanted to be with her.
By Wednesday we were asking ourselves what she could be holding on for. The hospice nurses we so great. They answered all our questions, told us what to expect and ease our fears and concerns as best they could. That day they encouraged us to start leaving her alone for longer periods of time. That's it's possible she could be waiting 'til people weren't there. Whether it was to spare us or to just go on her own. So, we all left at noon that day. Again, each of us saying goodbye. After everyone else had left the room, I leaned directly to her ear and said, "you go ahead and go now mom, we love you".
No one went back up 'til about 7:30 pm that night. I had actually taken Jace to the pool that night since I felt I had been neglecting him and shuffling him around at all hours of the night so that I could go back up to the hospital to spend the night. I was considering not going back up that night. I had stayed every other night so I was kicking around the idea of sleeping in my own bed that night and going up after I took Brendon to freshman orientation that next morning. I had spoken to my brothers at 8:00 pm and there was no change.
At about 9:45 pm, I was still debating what I was going to do when the phone rang...it was my brother. He asked me if I was planning on coming back up. I said I hadn't decided yet and he proceeded to tell me she had just vomited some sort of black substance and was not breathing well since. The nurses were cleaning her up but it didn't look good. I said I would change my clothes and be right there. I went down stairs and told the big boys that grandma had taken a turn for the worse and that I needed to go, I grabbed some clothes from the laundry room, went to my room and changed, I doubled checked my bag I had been lugging back and forth since I planned on being there through the night now, and was grabbing my shoes when the phone rang again. It was my brother telling me she was gone. 10:05 pm, Wednesday, August 13, 2008...she was gone.
I can't tell you how upsetting it was that after being there almost every moment and if I hadn't been selfishly thinking of taking the night off that night, I would have been back to the hospital before all this happened, how upsetting it was that when the end did come - I wasn't there. My pain for myself turned to heartache for my brother that he had to go through it alone. But you know, I think she planned it that way, that she waited 'til the oldest and seemingly the strongest was there and spared the others. I know that is a hard position to put my brother in but I think she felt safe there with the person who always took care of her. And that's not to say others haven't been there for her, but my brother did shoulder the brunt more than most.
The next few days were a blur. Finalizing funeral arrangements which included a visitation service here in town as well as a visitation and funeral in her home town in Missouri. Then she was buried not far from there in a family cemetery next to my dad. 21 years and 3 days - they were together again.
We came back to Iowa the same day and that was one of the hardest things to do...to leave her there...to come home without her. We always went to Missouri as a family and came home as a family. But like I've told friends, I know she is where she wants to be. I know I’ll go through the same struggle that I did when my dad died that there is no grave I can visit regularly. I can’t put flowers on her grave when I am thinking of her. That will be hard.
When I think about being at her house, I just keep expecting her to come walking out from the bedroom or the bathroom. I really just keep expecting this to have all been a bad dream, another time when she thought about stopping dialysis but she changed her mind again and is really still with us.
I knew this would be the hardest part…going on with out her. I can’t just pick up the phone and call her to be a sounding board and then get mad at her when she finds the negative in what I’m saying. That was how we were.
My emotions have been all over the place. Like when a friend said, "My heart just goes out to you. I’m not even going to tell you all the old clichés that you don’t want to hear cause I know it won’t do any good when I know that all you want is your mom". My response was, "You are right (and it made me chuckle) that everyone says the same thing…that she is at peace or not hurting anymore or in a better place…and I know all of that in my head…it’s just hard for my heart to accept. It was her choice to stop her dialysis and I told her several times it was ok to let go. And it was, I knew this is what she wanted, to not be in pain anymore…I knew all along I would just be strong for her and help her let go and deal with my emotions when she was gone and that’s what I’m trying to do".
Yesterday was one of my worst days and I broke down in an e-mail to another friend... "People say I have been so strong, stronger than they would be if they lost their mother and then I feel guilty that my lack of breaking down in tears means I didn’t care. I feel guilty that I wasn’t always there for my mom and can never make that up to her. I wasn’t always kind to her or about her to others and I can’t take it back. I’m angry at people for asking me how I’m doing. It’s like they expect me to fall apart at that moment and spill my most inner thoughts and feelings and that just isn’t going to happen. I’m doing as well as can be expected and I don’t know what they want me to say. We are going to start packing up her belongings this weekend. I feel like this whole thing of finalizing her affairs is going to rip what is left of my family apart and through it all I just keep expecting it all to have been a bad dream. That she is at her house right now milling around, doing her laundry during the commercials of her soaps and if I were to walk in the door there’d she’d be still getting by. It constantly hits me like a tons of bricks that if I do walk in her house, she isn’t there and that I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I can’t get over the fact that one Friday night I was sitting with you all having drinks and the next Friday night I was greeting people at her visitation service. I know that it’s all still so new and that in time it will get better. I also knew all along that I would be strong for her to help her let go and then deal with my emotions afterward but I can’t shake the feel that we should have had more time. I don’t want to go back to work and be around a bunch of people. I am just not ready to go on without her."
I miss her so much!!!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
You've Got A Lot If Ya Got Good Friends...
I never did post any pictures from Misti's b-day or my class reunion (all of which are courtesy of Christine since I no longer have a camera) - probably cuz I've had serious blogger's block recently - so here are a couple good ones of my great group of friends. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!
From left to right: Stacy, Camy, Christine,
ME, Misti, Stephanie
Misti and Camy's birthdays @ Casa las Glorias
Back row, left to right: Stephanie, Kelly, ME
Front row, left to right: Misty, Jeanne, Stacy
20 year class reunion at Cabo (not San Lucas)
From left to right: Stacy, Camy, Christine,
ME, Misti, Stephanie
Misti and Camy's birthdays @ Casa las Glorias
Back row, left to right: Stephanie, Kelly, ME
Front row, left to right: Misty, Jeanne, Stacy
20 year class reunion at Cabo (not San Lucas)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)