Most people who know me know about my mom's health. How she has had Rhuematoid Arthritis for over 15 years and how really the last 5 years she has not been good. All the medications over the years damaged her kidneys and she had to go on dialysis 4 years ago. Most recently, she has been in and out of the hospital since Christmas for difficulty breathing. She has progressively gotten weaker and weaker.
Today, when I visited her in the hospital, she told me that she is ready to go (to heaven). She wants to go see my dad, her "mommy & daddy", my Uncle Tom & Aunt Veda (and so on). That she doesn't feel she has any quality of life anymore, that everyday it takes more and more to go through the dialysis and she just doesn't have the strength to fight anymore. I knew in my heart this moment was coming. I could tell she was getting so weak that she would be giving up. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I held back my tears, my fears and told her it was ok. That us kids would be ok and that she could let go. She didn't need to hold on for us. She asked if we'd be mad at her and I said of "course not, we don't want you to be in pain anymore".
She has made the decision to stop dialysis and just let things progress naturally 'til the end. I told her she needs to prepare herself for the fact that she will probably get really sick because the toxins won't be flushed from her system. She asked me where she'd go when that happened and I told her probably hospice. She asked if hospice was there at the hospital and I told her that yes, they have a hospice unit. We already had a family appointment set up with her doctor on April 14th so that is when we are going to discuss this with him. She said she has a lot of questions and she was sure us kids would too. I told her we would ask him what she should expect to happen to her with stopping the treatments and I also want to ask if he would have any estimate as to how quickly things would progress. Four years ago they said she would only live a year without dialysis and she is in so much worse condition now than then.
The last thing I told her before I left was that she didn't need to hold on for long but she needed to give us a chance to say goodbye. To get all our kids here and her twin sister. She said, "ok".
She does want to go home from the hospital before anything happens. Probably to get her affairs in order. My brother left work and he & I went online tonight and did a Power of Attorney. I know a Notary and I know she'd come to the hospital or the house if I asked her to. We need mom to show us where all the insurance papers are and just everything.
I know we are not the first family to go through this. I feel so much for anyone who does. My mother and I haven't always had the best relationship but when I needed her, she was always there for me. When I needed her to, she always came through for me. That is what I am doing for her now. She deserves the right to choose how she is going to die and our family is going to honor that. I know I will miss her terribly when she is gone but for now, I will do what I can to give her the strength to let go.
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