I'm raising a mime...

I guess Brendon has decided to become a mime. I've come to this conclusion from his total lack of verbalizing anything at all. So far the only "gesture" he knows is the shoulder shrug. I suspect he is also working on the eye roll but I usually have my back turned when that move is performed so I can't really say if he has mastered it or not.

All I know is he is freakin' driving me crazy with the not responding. I told him last night I've had more stimulating conversations with pimples on my face! Teenagers are sooooooo aggravating! Either they act like you are sooooo beneath them even bothering to utter a word to you or when they do speak (good doggie), the tone is totally to let you know how incredibly stupid they think you are!

Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now!

Pass the duct tape please...

So, when you last joined us, I had resorted to caging my spirited 3 year old. For my next trick, instead of pulling a rabbit out of my hat, I'd like to try duct taping his mouth...

I was at Stuff's Etc (fave store) today and was trying on a couple pairs of shorts and a couple shirts. I knew it was going to be iffy on any or all of these fitting but I was willing to try (even though disappointment and dismay always follows). It was just me and Jace so I had to take him in the fitting room with me. I start to pull on the first pair of shorts when I realized they weren't going to make it passed my thighs. I made that obvious statement to myself in my head along with "man, how could I have been so off on thinking these would fit" when I noticed the zipper was stuck and perhaps if I unzipped them all the way it would give me the extra umpth I needed. As I reached for the zipper this is what I hear from my precious little boy..."those aren't going to fit you".

It was like a dagger to the heart. Why oh why are kids so brutally honest?! A brief back and forth of "yes they will" - "no they won't" ensued. He was right...they didn't fit so I moved on to the next pair of shorts. Again I hear, "they're not going to fit you mom" followed by "you need to try bigger ones mom".

I had been heckled enough. I fought back with "I really don't need to hear that from you right now Jace". One of my finer moments.

Defeated, I moved on to the shirts. I removed the top I was wearing and Jace shouts, "I see your boobies". Is it possible to teach a 3 year old that discretion is the better part of valor? Is it possible to not be totally embarassed when a 3 year decided to speak his mind?

He wanted to get back to his toys that we had left waiting in the cart outside the fitting rooms so I finished up and we went on our way. Not before he took a quick peak under the wall to the adjoining room. Thank God he didn't have any comments for that person as to whether their selections would fit them or not.

Sanity with a 3 year old...

Jace has become very wiley (or is it wirely) - he is very hard to catch if you want to go somewhere and he doesn't. Very slippery when trying to hold him down to get his shoes or coat on. Very tempting to have a leash on hand in public places or he is gone like the Road Runner (beep, beep, zip, bang). Basically a typical toddler with a mind of his own. I definitly cannot keep up at times so I found a solution. There's nothing wrong with this picture, is there?

DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS!

If I don't cage him, I find him doing things like this...

I say it's creative parenting at it's best.

(Disclaimer before DHS comes knocking on my door, the makeshift cage was actually a mesh laundry basket and he put it over himself on his own. He likes to pretend it's a rocket ship and he is blasting off in it. Kids?!)

Bite Me...

I really don't have much tolerence for people right now. Hmm...I wonder why...under a little bit of stress right now.

Ok, so the Wendy's employee who was taking the drive-thru orders tonight sucks the big one and can bite my left tit.

Me: Yeah, I'll take (2) Crispy Chicken sandwiches - both plain. A regular chocolate Frosty...

Idiot: So that was (2) Crispy Chicken sandwiches and a small Frosty.

Me: I wanted a regular Frosty.

Idiot: We don't have regular Frosties.

Me: It's right here on your menu board.

Idiot: Well, I rang up a small, is that what size you want?

Me: No, I want a regular.

Idiot: I don't know what size a regular is, do you want a medium?

Me: I don't know, you tell me. It's your menu board not mine.

Idiot: I don't know what the menu board says but we have small, medium, ...

Me: It says right here 16 oz regular Frosty.

Voice of Reason Chiming In Whispering to Idiot: 16 oz is a medium

Idiot: a 16 oz is a medium.

Me: Well, then you might want to change your menu board.

Idiot: Oh ok - would you like anything else.

Me: Yeah - a copy of your GED certificate.

(Just kidding - I didn't say that - but I wanted to. Where is Lola when you need her?)

Have Some Respect...

I was at lunch with a friend today when my brother, Roger, called to tell me about a conversation he had just had with our oldest half-brother, Danny. Apparently, out of respect to their mother, he and my half-sister, Sherry, aren’t coming to my mother’s funeral. I am completely shocked and awed.

The divorce and subsequent years after between our dad and their mom were VERY BITTER! I’ve heard stories of how she would drop off the kids to my mom & dad saying she was done with them and they could have them. They would enroll them in school, bought them all new school clothes, etc and Marie would come get the kids and take them back. There is also speculation that my mom and dad had an affair but even if that was the case, they went on to get married, have (3) kids together and stayed married for almost 28 years until my dad died. It wasn’t just a fly by night fling. You can’t help who you fall in love with and after almost 50 years, this woman needs to GET OVER IT.

Us kids never grew up together because Marie wouldn’t allow it. I don’t ever remember meeting my sister until my dad’s funeral. That was 20 years ago and since then we usually all see each other once a year or every other year.

I am just heartbroken over this. They say, “out of respect for their mother”. Well, what about out of respect for MY mother?! My mother who only tried to be apart of those kids’ lives and who loved them. What about out of respect for US as their siblings?! A funeral is a time to show respect for that person’s life and for them not to come feels like they have no respect for her.

Roger says, “well, he kept saying how they want us to know that they love all of us and they do think of us as brothers and sisters” and so on. I say actions speak louder than words. Those are just words to me to cover their reasons for not coming. They should act on that love they talk about and be there for us and for my mom. At least come to the visitation.

And these people are in their 50’s. Why can’t they stand up to their mother and say, “I’m sorry but this woman was a part of our lives and these are our brothers and sister and we are going to be there for them”. My other half-brother, Mike, hasn’t spoken to his mother in over a year so I am hoping against hope he will be there.

And one could ask, “would you do the same for them?”. Well, I would have to say no, only because I don’t know her. I have never met her in my life. It’s not like my mom was the first wife and he went on to marry her and she was my step-mother. If it had happened that way then it would be different.

Roger, I think, feels kind of the same way but he told them we understand. Well, I’m sorry I don’t understand!! And I won’t forgive them if they don’t come. It took my father’s funeral to bring all of us kids together and I guess it’ll be my mom’s funeral that tears us apart.

Stopping Dialysis To Allow A Natural Death

This was the name of one of the articles I read online last night in my quest for information about what my mom will be facing. There was a really good publication from the National Kidney Foundation that did a bunch of Q & A on everything from continued medical care, home health care and hospice options, getting financial affairs in order, to what the person would experience in their final time.

I actually was wrong (I am not a doctor nor do I play one on tv so what do I know), mom wouldn't get sick after stopping dialysis in the sense of anything painful or even vomitting. Both the Kidney Foundation and another publication from a Sacred Heart Hospital said that death from kidney failure is actually painless.

It said...

"This time is usually gentle for the person stopping dialysis. ... As the body's waste products build up there is a natural state of sleepliness and analgesia (pain relief) that leads to a peaceful, painless, and gentle death".

What more could anyone ask for? Certainly not my mother who has been in pain for so long. Certainly not her loved ones who just want her to be at peace.

However, it was this line of the article that stopped our hearts...

"The expected duration of life after dialysis is stopped is one to two weeks".

The National Kidney Foundation publication said anywhere from one day to a few weeks. Either way, this floored us. As strong as are all trying to be, we were thinking one to two months not weeks. This was a real reality check. It's been a hard couple days to have to go through personal papers and starting to think about planning your mother's funeral. I broke down in the shower today because it just hit me like a ton of bricks and started to again when trying to put on some make up. I told myself to "stop it, this is stupid, they'll be plenty of time to cry later".

We just have to keep telling ourselves that this is what she wants.

the strength to let go...

Most people who know me know about my mom's health. How she has had Rhuematoid Arthritis for over 15 years and how really the last 5 years she has not been good. All the medications over the years damaged her kidneys and she had to go on dialysis 4 years ago. Most recently, she has been in and out of the hospital since Christmas for difficulty breathing. She has progressively gotten weaker and weaker.

Today, when I visited her in the hospital, she told me that she is ready to go (to heaven). She wants to go see my dad, her "mommy & daddy", my Uncle Tom & Aunt Veda (and so on). That she doesn't feel she has any quality of life anymore, that everyday it takes more and more to go through the dialysis and she just doesn't have the strength to fight anymore. I knew in my heart this moment was coming. I could tell she was getting so weak that she would be giving up. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I held back my tears, my fears and told her it was ok. That us kids would be ok and that she could let go. She didn't need to hold on for us. She asked if we'd be mad at her and I said of "course not, we don't want you to be in pain anymore".

She has made the decision to stop dialysis and just let things progress naturally 'til the end. I told her she needs to prepare herself for the fact that she will probably get really sick because the toxins won't be flushed from her system. She asked me where she'd go when that happened and I told her probably hospice. She asked if hospice was there at the hospital and I told her that yes, they have a hospice unit. We already had a family appointment set up with her doctor on April 14th so that is when we are going to discuss this with him. She said she has a lot of questions and she was sure us kids would too. I told her we would ask him what she should expect to happen to her with stopping the treatments and I also want to ask if he would have any estimate as to how quickly things would progress. Four years ago they said she would only live a year without dialysis and she is in so much worse condition now than then.

The last thing I told her before I left was that she didn't need to hold on for long but she needed to give us a chance to say goodbye. To get all our kids here and her twin sister. She said, "ok".

She does want to go home from the hospital before anything happens. Probably to get her affairs in order. My brother left work and he & I went online tonight and did a Power of Attorney. I know a Notary and I know she'd come to the hospital or the house if I asked her to. We need mom to show us where all the insurance papers are and just everything.

I know we are not the first family to go through this. I feel so much for anyone who does. My mother and I haven't always had the best relationship but when I needed her, she was always there for me. When I needed her to, she always came through for me. That is what I am doing for her now. She deserves the right to choose how she is going to die and our family is going to honor that. I know I will miss her terribly when she is gone but for now, I will do what I can to give her the strength to let go.

DC or Bust...

It's almost 3 am and I just got back from taking Brendon out to leave for his trip to DC. You may remember how I was struggling with how I was going to be able to pay for this trip and be able to give my son something my parent's weren't able to give me. It all worked out and I couldn't be happier. In fact, I got a little teary when the final papers about the trip came home a couple weeks ago. You couldn't tell it by Brendon - Mr. Show No Emotion Whatsoever. He is just like his dad, a man of many words. All of his answers are either one word responses or "I don't know". It really is very irratating! I mean why isn't he jumping up and down for joy, screaming from the mountain tops (if there were mountain tops in Iowa)?!

So, I had totally planned on going shopping for snacks and last minute items and packing early in the evening and going to bed early since we had to be at the school at 2:30 am. Yeah - shopping became a mad dash because Brendon and a friend wanted to get in a round of golf in before the trip. They were supposed to be thinking FOUR in terms of "four score and seven years ago" not shouting FOUR on the golf course. (I know nothing about golf so that actually could be spelled FORE for all I know.) Then at 9:00 pm we starting searching for his baseball jacket he needed to pack in case of rain, to no avail. I searched every box I have shoved in every closet and could not find it. I still say it's at his dad's but a call over there came up with nothing either. Finally at 10:00 pm, I had to get some sleep, so I gave up.

They are taking charter buses to Chicago and flying to DC from there. After arriving around noon I would suspect, already on the first day, they go to Arlington National Cemetery and the Jefferson, Lincoln, & Washington monuments. They see those in the evening when it's all lit up. I can't remember all the other stops but things like Capital Hill, the White House, (3) of the Smithsonian museums, etc. The trip is so jam packed, they are going to be exhausted. Brendon might be running on the (2) gallon size baggies full of candy he packed. Plus he is sick. He came down with a pretty bad cold and he said he couldn't take any medicine along because there was a deadline to turn in any meds to the school nurse. I still think I could have called one of the trip organizers and gotten by but the truth is he probably wouldn't take it anyway without me there to force it down him.

So, I am freaking out a little about what if he gets seperated from the group, what if he gets hurt, what if the plane...nope, not going there...but I am trying not to be too overprotective so I told him to call or text me once today so I know they got there and once on Saturday so I know he hadn't been kidnapped along the way. In between times, I will be a nervous wreck and missing him terribly!

Dallas, on the other hand, is THRILLED to be having the house to himself for a few days. He is even skipping going to his dad's this weekend so he can enjoy it to the fullest. Hey, I can't blame him. I like the days I get the house to myself too!