didn't realize my face needed fixed, but...

I've mentioned that I've been going on the American baby message boards a lot this pregnancy...well, recently they've changed the format and all the stuff we had built into our signatures had to be re-formatted. I had been having so many problems redoing my pictures. Sometimes they would post really huge - like a full page - and I thought that was kinda vain so I figured I needed to resize them but other times, like in responses, they would post just fine so I was venting on the message boards about it. (I never claimed to be very computer literate.) Anyway, another mom or mom-to-be sent me an e-mail saying that she hoped I didn't mind but she resized my pictures for me and offered to e-mail me the new ones to use. This is her e-mail though...

..."I saved your pics and resized them so they will fit better in your sig. They will also fix your face which looks like it got messed up but it looks fine in the one I did. ..."

I know she was just trying to help but that took me back a little at first! Like I said, I know I'm not the fairest maiden in all of the land but I didn't realize my face was "messed up".

That reminds me of a conversation Christine and I had at her 30th b-day party about the show "Extreme Makeover". I always thought I'd like to have some plastic surgery and hey if it's free all the better but some of those people REALLY need the help if you know what I mean. I don't think I'm that bad off but yeah re-align the headlights (boob lift), trim off some of the underbelly and fenders (liposuction), straighten out and polish the grill (tooth venures & whitening) and clean up the vision in mirrors with some laser treatment (lasik eye surgery) and I'd be good to go. That's not too extreme. Christine and I wondered then if there is a "Moderate Makeover" somewhere. HA.

soooooo sad.......

I was flipping channels and I came across this movie called "When Andrew Came Home". I had never heard of it so I checked the info (mother and son's relationship after he returns from a 5 year abduction is made difficult by the abuse he suffered while he was gone). Right there I should have known better than to watch. I don't know about you all but every since I've had kids - I can't watch things were kids are hurt at all.

Anyway, I did watch the last 15 minutes and I swear I've never cried so hard during a movie. Best I could figure is she was trying to home school him enough to pass some tests - he hadn't never been allowed to go to school. She couldn't reach him. They were staying on her brother's farm and he loved doing things on the farm and with his uncle. Out of frustation she says some things to her brother about how she blames herself for him being abducted (it was his father who did it and she had let him go with him) and that now she doesn't feel like his mother anymore and that she wouldn't choose him as her son and how badly she feels for feeling that way. The little boy overheard her say that and ran away. She ran after him saying she was sorry and that she didn't mean it. He yells at her that he hates her for never coming to look for him. Like I said, it was his dad who took him because he was mad she was seeing someone who loved her and the boy. In the 5 years he had him, he told him his mother didn't want him anymore, that she was tired of him being around. She told the boy how that was not true, how she looked for him everyday. That she had stopped living. Everytime she went to the store or anywhere she would look for him through streets and on playgorunds and how everytime he wasn't there it broke her heart. The sat in the barn from morning 'til night - not talking - the boy had fallen asleep and she went to cover him with a blanket. That startled him, he jumped and she told him he didn't have to be scared anymore. He started to tell her about those years. That they never stayed in one place too long. They moved around a lot - motels mostly. The last place they were at and stayed at the longest was a trailer. They never let him out in the yard during the day. He just sat inside and watched tv. He never got to go to school or know anyone else his age. It was just him, the dad and his girlfriend and the she would hit the boy. At night they would put him outside on a long leash. He would climb a tree and fall asleep. There were animals out there. He would think about her and get mad. He said again how his dad told him she didn't want him. And then he says to her, "but I know you did". He hugs her and says, "I'm home mommy".

Like I said, I was totally bauling. I almost couldn't breath and my stomach hurt. I thought I was going to go into labor. All I could think about was my boys. How it would kill me if anything every happened to them. How my heart would break and my life would be over if they ever had to go through anything like that. They are spending the night at a friend's and all I want to do is call and see that they are ok. To tell them that I love them.

As the little boy was telling his story, I remembered hearing a very similar story on Oprah when she featured as a guest a detective or reporter who had devoted his life to bringing these stories to light and the perpetrators to justice. I can't remember how this boy was found and I missed it in the movie but I think they were taking him somewhere and the car was pulled over by the police and the boy told who he was or they recognized him from the search efforts. Or maybe he had gotten loose somehow and was walking along a highway and was found by a police officer. I'm not sure but I found myself wondering if this really happened. At the end of the movie it said that the mother and child had gone home (from the farm) and were rebuilding their lives. That the father had been tried, convicted and was in prison. It went on to say that the story was fictional though based on real life events. I really think it was this same boy's story I had heard on Oprah.

It was just the saddest thing. I can't imagine the horror kids like that go through thinking no one is coming for them and that no one loves them. It really makes you want to make sure your kids know you love them everyday. I know we all think they must know that but do they? God I wish I could show them and tell right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's' Appt

Had another check up today. Every thing is A-OK. I'm measuring right on schedule and I've only gained 3 lbs. Now I don't know if that is three lbs after I gained back the 2 1/2 lbs I initially lost and it's now net 3 lbs gain. OR only a 1/2 lb actual gain if you factor in the 2 1/2 lbs from the 3. HUH? Did that make sense? I didn't want to ask and have them think I'm obsessing about my weight. The nurse asked me how I was doing it. Not from exercise that's for sure! HA. I said I don't know but I feel pretty good about making it half way and only gaining a couple lbs give or take. Of course I still have my biggest months ahead of me - only time will tell.

She did think she felt a "funny" loop in my stitches and said she hopes it isn't coming loose on that side. But she also felt the knot and my cervix is closed so she wasn't too worried. When they did a pelvic a week ago at the ER, she said my stitches were intact. You wouldn't think something would have happened between now and then.

I go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound - mainly to check the heart since they weren't able to see all 4 chambers last time. I'm wondering if they'll be able to see my stitches on the u/s and make sure they aren't coming loose?! They measure my cervix from the u/s so I would think they could see the stitches. Well, that too time will tell. We'll deal with any of that when the time comes.

Otherwise, feeling good. So glad I can finally feel the baby move. I was thumping around before lunch yesterday and it's pretty active when I'm working on the laptop at home at night. Probably trying to tell me, "mommy quit working so hard and relax!".

Oh the heart rate today was 162 and 160 at the hospital last week. So I don't know, if you actually believe the old wives tales about heart rates above 150 being girls we could still get surprised. I'm going to try to get confirmation on that u/s on 09/03/04. I've going to drink so much water and have the fullest bladder they better watch out for a gusher! HA.

Finally felt it kick!!!

I've been dying for some movement to let me know everything is ok. It's hard when you go a month without an ob check and you aren't feeling it move yet. That's really the only way to know in between appts when you can hear the heartbeat that everything this is ok. Well, I got those fears eased at the hospital Friday. (see the post right below this one.) I heard the heartbeat as soon as the put the doppler on my stomach. She said it kept moving and I said, "you couldn't prove it by me". Well, this morning lying in bed I had my hand on my tummy feeling how hard it was and then it happened. He kicked me. I said to Ken, "ooh, I think I just got kicked". It did it again and I go , "yeah I got kicked". He put his hand there and it kicked 3 more times. He said he didn't feel it though. I don't know how because I had my hand over his and felt it but later I was thinking maybe I didn't really feel it in my hand, I felt it on my tummy and associated it to feeling with my hand. Anyway, I am SOOOO happy. It was really bumming me out that I wasn't feeling anything yet. You actually start to convince yourself that something is wrong. By time I get to an appt I'm so sure they aren't going to hear a heartbeat. But yeah - I felt it. Can't wait to lay down again and see if it happens again.

I guess we are going to have to find a boy name

I ended up at the ER this evening. I've been having some lower right abdominal pain when I stand up or turn over in bed. I've had this for years actually but it's been getting worse during this preg. I kinda let it go thinking it was the round ligament pain I've had heard about but it been happening more often and more intense so I thought I'd call my ob. Given my history (the cervical stitches) the wanted me to go to Labor & Delivery to be checked. They called me back and told me to go to the ER first so they could outrule apendicitis. They did a pelvic and my stiches are intact. So then they sent me for an ultrasound to check my ovaries for blood supply and possible cists and to check my appendix. I told the tech that if she happened to see the sex to not be afraid to tell me because we weren't able to see on the last ultrasound. She was asked me what I already have and I said 2 boys so of course I'm hoping for a girl but this is my husband's first so he is hoping for a boy. She turned the monitor to me and said, "well, it looks like your husband is going to get his wish!" And there is was - plain as day - up there on the screen. The legs definitely weren't crossed this time. Spread wide open - you could see both legs and definitely a dangly in between. My brother said, "so the apple had a stem, huh?". HA. The tech goes, "well, we still get surprised sometimes". Obviously trying to lessen the blow since I had said I wanted a girl. At that point though I was thinking I'D be surprised how it couldn't be a boy after seeing that. As much as I'd like to be in denial - I can't possibly. I saw it for sure.

Ken doesn't know yet. He doesn't even know I went to the ER - he is at work. So, I sent him a text message saying, "Better start thinking of boy names! Call me.". As for my visit - they found nothing just chalked it up to ligament pain (which I figured). They did incidentally find a UTI but that is nothing new. I get them chronically - usually every other month or so. This is my 2nd in this pregnancy. So one thing had nothing to do with the other just happened to find it in all the tests they did.

So, another boy! GOT to start searching for a boy name.

MEN!!!

I've been going on the American Baby (.com) message boards for about a month and a half now - commiserating with other pregnant women. Sometimes we talk about symptoms, due dates, names, etc and sometimes we complain about our DH (dear husbands), BF (boyfriends), SO (significant others), BD (baby's daddy), etc. A reoccurring theme is the DH, BF, SO, BD going out to much or spending more time with friends than wife, girlfriend, whatever. I too have posted about this same problem especially over this last weekend. Reading through peoples responses to mine and others who have the same problem another reoccurring theme I discovered was that we should forgive these guys because they are guys or they are getting it out of their system now since they can't later, or even a few (who cowardly posted anonymously) who said we were treating our men like were their mothers and we should give them a break. BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! BARF BARF BARF!!!

I finally had had enough of the excuses and I posted the following:

Why should the guys get to "get this out of their system"...

I've been posting off and on throughout the day about my problems with my dh and his going out. I'm not the only one. I've seen several posts since I started on here about the same thing.

Is it a guy thing? YES! How many of us pregnant women are out having the last rounds of drinks we can have with friends before the baby comes?! ZERO (hopefully)

Maybe they feel they need to get this out of their systems. Or maybe they are scared? JOIN THE CLUB! How many 1st time moms, moms again after a long time, or any mother-to-be here that doesn't have fears, doubts, concerns about how their life is going to change?! I say why should they get their behaviors blown off, excused or chalked up to fear when so many of us actually responsible for the life and well-being of our child at this point feel the same way?! What gives them the right to treat someone they supposedly loved enough to create a child like $hit just because they are scared or not ready?! Especially if these were planned pregnancies. It's not fair to come back now when it's too late to change anything and say you are having 2nd thoughts. These babies didn't get to choose who their parents are but they are coming into this world regardless. These guys need to except responsibility for that - no, they need to embrace that and be the MEN they are supposed to be. Not causing unneeded stress to pregnant women which can directly effect those babies just because it makes them feel better. I say GET OVER YOURSELF!!!! No one has the right to inflict that kind of pain on another person. These are the mother's of their children and in 90% of the cases the person they swore to love, honor and cherish. Like I said before, it's a lack of respect and consideration. And it's crap that it can be excused away so carelessly.

This was one of the responses I got...

Preach on Sista!! I totally agree and that was very well said. I can only PRAY that **** is half the father I had growing up. Oh and the alcohal thing, dont even get me started! I think most of you know my situation with the DUI **** just got. I have had ONE glass of wine in the past eight months and believe me, he hasnt cut back for my sake. Why should HE have to suffer because I cant drink? BECAUSE IM BARING YOUR CHILD.

To which I responded...

I know - why should our lifestyles be the only ones to change?! Like I said, especially with the planned pregnancies - we had someone their with us making the decision and making the baby. I don't remember myself lying in bed with a turkey baster and a vial of his semen. He was there too and needs to be a part of this pregnancy!

_________________________________

Ladies are you with me?! I swear I want to conduct a study. To somehow get guys who have done this sort of thing (walking out on pregnant wife/girlfriend, going out 'til all hours, etc) and have them answer anonymously on why they did what they did, what drove them, did they consider the women's feelings or consider the affect on the baby, did it make them happy, did they regret it, did it work out, etc. I picture myself like Ashley Judd's character in "Someone Like You" who forms her opinnion of why men cheat and leave and writes articles on the subject. I could go on Oprah with my findings. It would give some meaning to having gone through that. Where can I go about something like that? Where can I post an online survery to get men to respond to this subject? It's very interesting to me why they think they can just do this to people when they are most vulnerable.

Oh, well...maybe crusading for pregnant women - nah, ALL women everywhere will have to wait 'til another day. For now, I've got work to do.

Hi y'all...

I know I haven't posted forever but nothing really to report. I don't go back to doc 'til the 19th. Someone was asking about movement - NO, NONE, ZIPPO, ZILCH!!! That I recognize anyway. They say it can be mistaken for gas. Well then how do I know if I actually have gas or it's the baby moving?! It's driving me absolutely crazy. I keep saying I know in 3 months I'll be begging it to stop kicking but com'on...just one kick for momma. Stand up for yourself, throw a tantrum - let me know you are there!!!