Down with Debbie Downers!

You all know the Debbie Downer character from SNL...the one with this theme song...

"You're enjoying your day, everything's going your way...
then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease, a car accident or killer bees.
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, please."
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"

I am so frickin' lipin' sick of Debbie Downers!!! My mother, God Rest her soul, was a Debbie Downer. My ex-husband is a Debbie Downer. I can't stand all the negativity. I mean the rare chance I actually have something good happen or something good to talk about and they'd still find something negative to point out. It's a total buzz kill!

90% of our workforce are Debbie Downers. We just launched a new software at our company that will enable employees and managers to see, and in some case change, information they normally would have to come to Payroll or Human Resources for. This new application is called "Self-Service". Makes sense, right? Employees can serve themselves. We, like many many other companies, are on the push to go paperless so another main "feature" of Self-Service is we will no longer print paystubs. Employees will view their earnings online now.

OMG - you would think we shot their grandmother, kidnapped their youngest child and ripped a kidney right out of their bodies! I can't believe how many people are attached to a frickin' piece of paper. I don't even look at my paystub. I look at my net pay when we process payroll and that's it. That's all I really need to know. Then I look at my bank account online on payday. I don't understand why they need a piece of paper to tell them what their net pay is. What they will see onscreen is no different that what the paper says. IT IS THE SAME EXACT INFORMATION! Look it up, write it down on a piece of paper, stick it where the sun don't shine in your pocket, take it home to wifey-poo so she can record it.

So, now we hear...

1) "You better put printers at all the machines" (we are a manu- facturing environment). Umm, no, that is not going to happen. A) because of the dirty conditions on the production floor; B) if we provide printers to everyone... everyone will print their own paystub and that defeats the purpose of going paperless; and C) there are four kiosks available and we are putting in two more.
2) "There better be some legislation passed to allow us time during our shift to print our paystub where there are printers". Umm, no, this is not going to happen. A) you have at least 3 breaks a day not including machine down time; B) why would we provide you time off your machine to print your paystub when we really don't want you printing your paystub - that defeats the purpose of going paperless; and C) this (our company) is not a democracy...there is no legislative process. Like it or lump it!
3) "I want to drop my direct deposit and get a live check". This is a meager attempt to essentially bully us into still printing something for them. Umm, ok, that certainly is your right to do but keep in mind A) why the F would you give up the convenience of your money going to your bank automatically instead having to come to our office every other week (which may fall on your day off), sign for your paycheck, and then drive to the bank?; B) after the 1st of the year, we may start charging employees a fee to process live checks which is fully within our legal rights to do.

And if they aren't complaining about not getting a paystub anymore, they are complaining about their personal information being accessible. It's accessible to THEM ONLY!!! It's a password protected system that is only available internally within the walls of our company. As long as they don't share their passwords in order to have Billy Joe Bobb punch in for them when they are running late or dickn around then they shouldn't worry. They expect us to protect them from Billy Joe Bobb looking over their shoulder when they are typing in their password and crackin' the secret code. Trust me...the only thing Billy Joe Bobb is crackin' is a six pack as soon as he hits the parking lot.

Of course no system is 100% secure. We face the same risks as any financial institution, any insurance company, any educational establishment, etc. But we are probably more secure then your last credit purchase at Backwood Bob's Bait 'N' Brew Bungalow. Give me a frickin' break!

Brought to you by the DOWN WITH DEBBIE DOWNERS CAMPAIGN. I'm Lori and I approve this message.