Having spent Thanksgiving home alone, I enjoyed a quesadilla for my dinner. Chicken not turkey. And instead of a multitude of leftovers, I know am nuking a Banquet brocolli & cheese rice dish. No, not the traditional Thanksgiving fare but it's ok.
I actually am used to spending Thanksgiving alone. We don't really celebrate it in my family because everyone always went to their in-laws on Thanksgiving Day. When Ken and I were together, we'd go to his aunt & uncle's in Elkader and that was always fun. Sometimes my family will do something the weekend after and this year we will be going to Missouri to my mom's twin sister's house to have Thanksgiving with her and her family. It will be bittersweet though.
This will be our first trip back since my mom's funeral & burial. I have been having a REAL hard time dealing with that. I told my brothers the other night that I don't know if I am ready for it. It was hard enough to leave her back in August - to come home without her - I don't know if I have it in me to do it again. I called my brothers today to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving and it was all I could do to get through the short conversations without crying. I don't know what it was for sure. Was it because there was no 3rd call to make to my mother? Was it because I knew my brother didn't have to pick up a dinner from Hy-Vee this year for her? I don't know...I just know they were just hard calls to make. We didn't spend the day with her but she was always there. There at her house, watching CMT, she was there and this year she isn't. And why didn't we spend more Thanksgivings with her? That's just one more thing to feel guilty about now that she's gone. We totally took advantage of her. Took advantage of the fact that she was alone and "aw, she won't mind if we put her off 'til the weekend". Yeah we'd finally sit down together on another day but it wasn't the same. It's not the same. We always thought there'd be plenty of time. "There's always next year". But what about when there isn't a next year? There is no more time to call her and wish her happiness. The best we can do is hope with all our hearts she has found it.
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