It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To...

...you would cry too if it happened to you...maybe...maybe I'm just overly emotionally. But did I mention it's my party and I'll cry if I want to?!

I cried over how I pathetically invited about (20) co-workers/friends to come to Jersey's after work for a couple drinks for my birthday. I acknowledged it was a little weird to think about having drinks on a Monday but as someone (a co-worker no less) had pointed out to me "you can't have drinks two days after your birthday, you have to have a drink on your birthday". That was it...that's what drug me in...fooled me into thinking people actually wanted to have a drink with me and celebrate my day. Well, (3) people showed up.

One of those was my good friend, who I am also going out with this upcoming weekend, one was a co-worker who happens to share the same birthday (we are cool like that) and the other wasn't even at work all day. They drove back from an out-of-town funeral to be there.

How pathetic was I to save (12) seats at the bar (not at the bar per say but in the bar itself) and contemplated if we would need (4) more?! Can I get a big fat finger and thump in the shape of an L on my forhead?! I feel so pathetically stupid to think after 12 years of working with these people, that I actually mattered in the scheme of things. Now I'm thinking---not so much!

I know we all lead busy lives but I wasn't talking an all nighter here. I made that perfectly clear. This is a payroll processing week for us which is my MAIN JOB, I couldn't have stayed all night even if I wanted to because I had that work to complete. I was only talking about a couple drinks. How long out of their lives would that have taken?! I just feel so stupid to have even sent the "invitation". I never do that. I get together with my outside work friends every year but I never plan anything other than maybe lunch with a handful of co-workers. I should have stuck with that plan. I feel like Sally Field's Oscar speech where she fatefully said, "You like me. You really like me!" ...'cept the total and utter opposite of "like".

I mean a couple of people specifically told me to pick a night they could take me out for a drink and when I do...they don't show. I don't get it! Why even ask that if you had no intention of following through?!

I don't know...maybe I'm just highly emotional...this is, after all, my first birthday without my mother. I can't tell you how it felt to not get that "Happy Birthday baby girl" phone call this year. I've been missing my mom a lot lately - especially since we had her estate sale and the closing the sale of her house. It all seems so final now. I've had this overhelming, almost obsessive need to hear my mom's voice again. To hear her tell me she is ok. That her decision to let go was the right thing and that everything is ok. It physically hurts my heart sometimes just wanting to hear her voice again. I told a couple people today that I knew my birthday wish was not going to come true, unless you believe in spirits and contacting from beyond, because my one wish was to hear my mom tell me Happy Birthday and that's not going to happen.

I think maybe I planned this thing tonight, not only because I fooled myself into thinking people would come, but also because I probably wanted to get my mind off coming home at the end of the day and that was it. Another birthday come and gone, another day come and gone...my mom being gone. That plan failed sooooooooooooo very miserably.

So, forgive me for the pity party but I believe I did say it's my party and I'll cry if I want to!