stream of consciousness...

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but inside it's so insightful, outside the ice and snow is falling and no friends are coming calling...I am soooo bored...sitting around with nothing to do but think...contempating the differences, if any, between lonliness and Alonliness. Looking at my bare Christmas tree that for now is as empty as I feel - for now. Fueling myself today with butter sandwiches and burnt peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Watching Janet find her prince charming in one Eddie Lateca on October Road isn't helping. Hey but I am happy for her. My boys are away and I miss them. I always look forward to some down time, some quiet time when they go for weekends to their dads' but the truth is I have my fill of that by the end of the first night. I spend the rest of the time missing their smiles and laughter and five minutes after they get home I'm cursing them for fighting or tormenating. Jumped up this morning at the first sound of sleet hitting my window knowing I had to go pay my rent today. Don't want to pay any late fees ($10 a day you know) or the $50 court cost for the 3 day notice to evict. (Hmmm - wonder how I know how much the fees are?) Rent...on a cold, cold place. It's cold outside...cold inside...the windows are drafty, there is a gap in the front door frame, no storm door, no one to cuddle under a blanket on the couch with. I am systematically going through my dvr. First Big Shots, then Desperate Housewives, then Samantha Who, then October Rd, now Gossip Girl, soon Life, followed by Dirty Sexy Money, then ER, oh and another Big Shots. Thinking of treking to the mailbox knowing it's probably full of overdue notices but really wondering if possibly there is a Soap Opera Digest. I can trivally scan through that for about an hour. Not much more substance than that anywhere to be found. Finished my book for book club last night..."Before Women Had Wings"...it's a story of unconditional love for your parents despite an abusive, nay traumatic childhood. Probably should leave that one alone. My favorite part of the book...the main character, Bird, was describing an old woman she had become friends with, her solice from the abusive mother, and although the woman was black the rest of the description made me think of my maternal grandmother. Fond memories but made me miss for the summers I spent with her. The sleet is really pounding now. The heat just kicked on. Can forced air heat warm the soul? It's dark. Only the lights of the tv, the tree, and the blinds occassionally moving in the breeze. I liked reading again. I found my favorite spot to read was curled up in the opposite corner of the couch under the lamp, book on arm of couch, something to drink on the end table. That's where I finished the book. I should read more. Good thing the book club came up. Something to have going on. Can't wait 'til my scented book marks come - should prove even more enjoyable. Should be working right now. Could use the distraction (could use the money) but can't bring myself to dig it out. Makes me tired. Should get over that - tiredness that is - if I'm going to work a 2nd job sleep will be a thing of the past. I have an application for the Casey's by my house. I've had it for a couple weeks now. Haven't filled it out. Too scared. Scared I am too lazy to work 2 jobs, scared I can't phycially do it, scared to leave my kids to do it, scared of what it will do to me to do it, scared of what it will do to us if I don't do it. You know how in the movies when people are scared they don't move. I get that. All those scary reasons equals doing nothing at all. Doing nothing at all equals being in denial. Being in denial equals things get worse and worse. Things getting worse knowing you could make them better. Knowing you could make things better and don't equals shame. Shame equals silence. Silence equals no one knows. No one knows equals alone. Alone equals nothing. Nothing equals me. Me equals trouble. Trouble equals scared. Scared equals swirling all around in all of that all over and over again and again and again. Again equals endless. Endless equals hopeless. Hopeless equals me. Me equals nothing. Nothing equals me. THE END. That's what I say when I read books to Jace. Even if it's not written on the page. I always finish with an enthusastic THE END. Now he says it too. We hit the last page and he bursts THE END. Funny huh?! The stream is running low. Loss of thought, loss of content, loss of consciousness. It's late...afternoon that is...probably nap time by now. Yeah...sounds good...nap it is.