You've Come A Long Way Baby...

Besides that being an old campaign slogan for Virginia Slims cigarettes (my mother's unfortunate preferred brand for more than 30 years)...it also applied to me over the weekend. Although given the circumstances surrounding it, some people could say I am completely fucked in the head but it was none the less a personal victory for me.

I had spent some time talking to a good friend Friday night about how messed up and distraught I was for a long time following the break up with the father of my older children. How heartbreak and heartache are VERY real. How they are not just emotions felt in the heart and head but that there is often real physical pain when you loose someone you love. How I was in a real bad place and made a lot of real bad choices for a good 2 years. But how that the good news was that I had survived and like to think that I am strong enough now to admit that I made a lot of mistakes. To not give them merrit or justify them any longer, beyond the pure fact that I was messed up. And how I know I will never make those misakes again.

Before I go any further...it really was a surreal night because earlier, before this discussion, we had seen the girl he left me for at a local restaurant celebrating what we calculated to be her 30th birthday. She was 17 years old when he left me (and our kids) for her - turned 18 a month later. Why do I know that? It goes to how fucked up I was. I made it a point to find out everything I could and to insinuate myself into every aspect of their lives all in the name of "well, we have children together"...all because I was hurting so tremendously. I felt like I had been plucked out and she had simply stepped into my life. I was lost, felt alone and it HURT! A lot!

Anyway, onto the end of this last Friday evening, we started to head home when my friend checked in with her husband (who happens to be lifelong friends with my ex) and there was a cryptic message that I was supposed to call said ex at his favorite hang out. Apparently him and his latest girlfriend, who he happens to live with, had gotten into a (drunken) arguement and he was stranded with no place to go. Being the nice person I am (sucker), and the fact that I always seem to help him when he needs it (sucker), I said I could pick him up and he could crash in the basement with the boys. Our boys are teenagers now and we'd just explain to them what happened so that they weren't confused why he was coming home with me.

After getting to my place, we sat and laughed with the kids a little and then decided we all needed to get to sleep. As predicted, given the condition he was in, he kept coming up with excuses for needing to come into my room and talk to me.

I would be like, "you can stay here if you need to, there is plenty of room in the basement, we'll work something out, blah, blah, blah, go get some sleep".

And finally he came right out and asked, "so, there is no chance you want me to sleep with you?"

To which I frankly replied, "NO".

He was like, "you are the one person I can count on, blah, blah, blah, can you really look me in the eye and say you don't want me to sleep here?"

I said, "what I can tell you is that a part of me will always love you but I'm not the same girl I was 10 years ago and I will not be a substitute for _____________ for the night just because you found out some shit tonight that you didn't like!"

THAT people, was my personal victory! Victory back from the brink of despair, victory over the hold he used to have over me, victory to the woman I have become. I want a man in my life again someday but I swore a long time ago I would never let a man have that much control over me ever again.

I've made the cold, harsh realization that my soon to be ex-husband was not the "love of my life" and that contributed to the downfall of our marriage. So then I had to ask myself, if not him, then does that mean this other person was. And you know, I used to think yeah he probably was...until this weekend. After he scurried away with his tail between his legs, I found myself seriously doubting I could ever be in a place of wanting him in my bed again. Too much has happened, too many hurts, too many indiscretions, too many lies, too many times he shows me no respect whatsoever, too many times he made me feel stupid, too many times he made me feel unimportant, too many times he wasn't there for our sons. It's just too much!

So, you see, I have come a long way baby, because I now realize the victory was greater than I had even imagined. I've been able to say the words for a long time that I am over him but this weekend, I FELT it.

And I know in my heart, the "love of my life" (other than my boys) is still out there. I can see him in my mind, everything but his face. I even feel him sometimes in the sense that I believe in it so sometimes I can "feel" the moment happening when I find him or he finds me. The feeling is comfortable, the feeling is secure, the feeling is butterflies, the feeling is laughter, the feeling is...well, love.

Man, and it's not even Valentine's Day yet!