Day 15 - Embarrassing Moments

Day 15's list is embarrassing moments in my life. I won't say most embarrassing because, hey, I'm pushing forty and can't possibly remember them all - but these rank right up there.

1). This is a 2 parter...9th grade...9th grade locker bay, Joe Karasek gooses me and feels the ginormous pad I was wearing because Aunt Flo was visiting. His response, "nice butt". I was mortified and vowed never to wear pads again.

2). My mother refused to buy me tampons - the whole toxic shock thing - so I had to get them myself but I had no idea how to use them. My friend had to show me. She gave me the instructions then left the bathroom to let me "try". I was talking to myself out loud about how I didn't know what I was doing and turns out she never had left, was hiding around the corner and heard everything. The giggling gave her away.

3). Again, in the 9th grade (apparently it was a traumatic year for me). It was the first year of Spanish class and for the first term we were given names that when translated were similar to our actual names. Mine was Lourdes...pronounced Lor-dace. So, we had to go around the room...the first person would say their spanish name, the next person had to say the first person's spanish name and then their spanish name, and so on and so forth. When it came to this one girl, she didn't pronounce my name as Lor-dace...she pronounced is as Lard-ass. Everyone laughed and you know how sometimes nicknames tend to stick. Of all nicknames for people to remember all year. Not a fun year.

4). I guess I should say any of the zillion times I peed my pants from laughing. I used to have a condition called "spastic bladder" and when I would laugh (a hard laugh, not a giggle and since you never really know when you are going to laugh), the message from my brain to my nervous system would get confused and tell my bladder muscles to contract. The result...I would pee my pants. I was put on medication and given a permanent hall pass to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted at school. BUT that was in jr. high school after years of wetting myself prior. But as embarrassed as I obviously was, I don't know one time that anyone else noticed. I was never teased about it once that I can remember. See I got really good at hiding it, sometimes with the help of great friends. I would tie a sweatshirt or jacket (Members Only usually) around my waist and hope it hung low enough to cover. Once it happened in study hall which was right by the Home Ec room so my friend waited with me 'til the room cleared then she provided cover while we ran to the Home Ec room where the teacher let me use the dryer to dry my pants. (After all, it was the friend's fault I peed. We had been playing tic tac toe and she farted. That made me laugh and then I farted and that made me laugh even more). Thank God it was a free period for Home Ec and not a full classroom. Before I was diagnosed, my mom thought it was my fault, that I was not going to the bathroom often enough or fully draining my bladder. So one time when we were camping, my friends and I were fishing and I had an accident. So, they all took turns filling their hands with lake water and dumping in on my pants so we could tell my mom I fell in the lake. She didn't buy it and I got sent to bed early. But those were good friends. Another time it happened at a restaurant with a friend's family. I covered myself with my coat 'til we got outside but that wasn't going to explain how I got their car seat wet when we drove home. It was winter out and the cars parked on the street had a couple inches of snow piled on their hoods. I jumped on a car and slid on my butt down its hood. When I got off then I was all, "oh crap now I'm soaked. Why did I do that?". I think they fell for it.

5). I can't remember if this happened in 8th grade or 9th grade - after lunch you could go outside 'til the bell. It wasn't recess anymore but it was the next best thing. We were leap frogging over those posts in the parking lot. When I leaped one (basically spread eagle), a friend shouts "I'm surprised you didn't suck that one up". This was back in the day of all the cheerleader doing the splits jokes...you know, "waddaya do when a cheerleader does the slits and 5 class rings fall out" or "waddaya do when a cheerleader does the splits and sticks to the floor" ...so I know she was joking but still it was embarrassing.


Ok this is the part where any family members tuned in probably should stop reading. Just remember I was young and didn't know any better.


6). A bar I frequented in my early 20's used to have these Build You Own Bikini contests where you had to make a bikini out of something other than material. A friend and I were there on a night of one of the contests, I had become friendly with most of the bar employees and they were trying to convince me to enter the contest. They only had one other contestant and needed someone else to enter to even have the contest. I said NO for most of the night but after a few drinks, they convinced me. This bar also served pizza by the slice so they decided to make my bikini out of tin foil. You know - the most durable of substances. So, I went into the bathroom, my friend helped me into the tinkini and of course it ripped in the process - right in the crotch area. She did what any friend would do and scrunched the tin foil together just like you do any other time you use tin foil and it rips and we carried on. One of the bouncers loaned me his uniform shirt which was basically like a baseball jersey to wear before the contest started so I wouldn't be exposed. So they called all the contestants to the dance floor and I removed the jersey. The yelling from the crowd was so loud I couldn't really hear the announcer but that was nothing new for this place. There were a lot of drunken guys and the bar held contests that catered to their carnal wants. I didn't think anything of it. I smiled and clapped to the music. Then a different bouncer came over to me and whispered in my ear, "fix it or your disqualified". I didn't know what he was talking about so I went on - clueless - and sure enough got disqualified. They covered me up and escorted me from the dance floor. Turns out the scrunched together part didn't hold and all the walking around before the contest started had caused the bottom of my tinkini to shift to the left, so the V shaped portion that should have been covering my vajayjay was actually covering my left thigh leaving only the side strap to cover...well, pretty much nothing. AND to top all of that off - this bar was also known to video tape all their contests. So, you see I can never run for political office now for fear that tape would surface during my campaign.

7). Having sex in a car, in the parking lot of a bar across the street from my work, said bar full of guys from my work attending a going away party, I look up the heat of the moment to see that many of those guys are now standing around the car not only watching but taking pictures. Thank God quickies are just that - to where most times you aren't fully undressed. Let me back track a little (ok save face a little)...this going away party was for a guy I had had a HUGE crush on for two years. He was a former marine and totally what the marine campaign "a few good men" was all about. He was muscular and HOT, HOT, HOT. I was already gone for the day but he stopped by my office to personally invite me to his party. My boss called me to tell me since she knew how I felt about him. She agreed to accompany me to the party so I didn't have to go alone. I was extremely nervous, hadn't eaten and plied myself with many beers to have the courage to talk to him. Turns out he had broken up with his girlfriend. He was single, I was single, I was probably never going to see him again so I took the opportunity to have my dream fulfilled. I am not ashamed of that at all. I was a consenting adult. Do I wish we had used better discretion and chose a better location? YES. But hey, hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately, I was referred to as the "Official Going Away Gift" for the next several going away parties, however, I was unable to attend. Oh and the pictures...they never saw the light of day. Actually, in a way, they did...I knew the guy whose camera was used and he said the film had been exposed when the camera was opened but I still asked him for the roll to make sure. I never developed it so I have to trust that he did the right thing.

8). Puking in the middle of a bar right in front of the guy you are trying to impress. I had dated this guy for 3 months (he is on my boys who stole my heart post) and was trying to win him back. A friend and I went to a bar we knew he patroned on Thursday nights because of it being ThirsTea Thursday. Specials on all kind of teas - the ones with like 5 shots a piece - like Long Island Iced Tea but there were others like California Tea and so forth. He was there as predicted, we didn't speak to him - that wouldn't be casually ending up at the same place (or "being breezy" to any Friends fans). We had a couple teas there and then moved on (and by than I mean followed him) to another bar. We were standing by the dance floor acting all nonchalant when he finally came up and talked to me. I was soooo nervous and had had a lot to drink. My stomach started churning and I felt like I needed to belch. I put my hand under my nose like when you try to squelch a sneeze. My friend asked me if I was ok. I said, "yeah, I just need to burp". Then I starting puking. I tried to hold it back with my hand but it started flying over the top of my hand. It landed in our drinks even. I finally couldn't hold it anymore and just let it go and puked all over the floor. My friend and I looked at each other, started laughing and ran to the bathroom. I had puke in my hair - it was lovely. Man, I really know how to impress a guy, don't I?

9). Ripping out the ass of my skirt while doing the Electric Slide. A bar I mentioned earlier that I patroned a lot in my early twenties hosted a lot of Ladies Nights. What better way to draw the guys in than to offer free drinks for 4 hrs to any lady wearing a skirt. So, we'd don the appropriate attire for the appropriate 4 hrs and then change into shorts we left in the car. One night though, I can't remember if the skirt was particularly too tight at the beginning of the night or after 4 hrs of drinking but we were on the dance floor doing the Electric Slide and one time when I leaned over, as required by the dance, my skirt ripped up the back. Thank God I was wearing pretty panties! Thank God I was wearing panties! Just kidding - I have never been one to go commando (another Friends reference).

10). Getting caught giving a hand job to some guy at the drive in...by your brother. This would have been the end of 9th grade. The drive in WAS the Friday night place to be. I went with some friends and my brother went seperately with some friends. After a lot of Everclear and Orange Juice (or maybe not a lot because, I mean, it was Everclear after all - it doesn't really take a lot), two young girls stumbled around the drive in, looking for new friends. Later on, one of those young girls was in the front seat with one new friend only making out I think because her Aunt Flo was visiting (and was right there in the car with them). And the other young girl was in the back seat with the other new friend making out...and giving a hand job. After a while, there was a knock on the window of the back seat door. Young girl #2 looks up only to see her older brother standing there. Hand job O-VER. I didn't really care one way or the other...I'm sure the new friend did. In fact, I think he was a little put off because he called the young girl a slut and young girl #1's older brother and his friend hand to teach him the polite way to refer to said young girls.

11). Deciding to publish these embarrassing moments.